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Lily Allen to Newsnight: The 41 most annoying things in 2019

29 December 2019

10:00 AM

29 December 2019

10:00 AM

Lily Allen. Lights! Camera! Hanky! It’s been a vintage year for Twitter’s comedy genius.

The needy pub-bore grumblings of Tony Blair.

Ditto John Major.

Ant and Dec. Even after the drunken prang it’s impossible to tell them apart.

The panicky new jargon of weather forecasters, (old version in brackets). Flood warning. (Drizzle). Drought warning. (Drizzle clearing). Zero visibility. (Overcast). Threat to life. (Hail). Hypothermia alert. (Frost). Blizzards expected with a wind-chill of minus 50. (Easterly breezes).

Susanna Reid. Why does she let the bloke with the big head do all the talking?

The minor Johnsons. One is acceptable but do we need the others? And I don’t buy the ‘good for tourism’ argument because France doesn’t have Johnsons and it’s full of sightseers.

Jurgen Klopp’s teeth.

Comics who think a banality becomes funny if it includes the word ‘Wetherspoons.’

Jane Garvey ending discussions with, ‘and let’s remember not all men are like that.’

The prospect of Baroness Swinson – although it would be fitting for someone who finds voters rather tiresome to join an unelected chamber.

Men who can’t decide if it’s a beard or just a five-day holiday from the blade. Top culprits – Sugar, Sheeran, Baddiel and Jezza.

John Humphrys’s matey chats with the contestants on ‘Celebrity Mastermind.’

The contestants on ‘Celebrity Mastermind’.

Canal boats whose Extinction Rebellion logo is barely visible through the diesel fumes streaming from their engines.

Sir Ed Davey’s lack of a neck.

The BBC weather-map that features ‘Birmingham’ on a huge banner blotting out mid-Wales, half of the Irish sea and most of County Wexford.

Caroline ‘frequent-flyer’ Lucas.

The Edinburgh Festival Joke of the Year. Invariably a contrived pun deemed harmless by the BBC. One of the best recent gags was: ‘Different era, the 1970s. The sex offenders register was called the Radio Times.’

Gushy travel supplements that reveal, ‘The Ten Things You Have To Do Before You Die.’ Why do I have to? And if I’m actually dying, thanks for reminding me what I’ll miss.

People on Question Time who ask their question while keeping one hand in the air.

Police brutality videos which you can’t watch until you’ve sat through a chocolate bar advert.

Mishal Husain. Cheer up. It’s a nice warm studio not a war-zone.

Brexiteer purists who won’t be satisfied until Ursula von der Leyen is holed up in a Brussels bunker with a revolver and a single bullet.

The return of Daniel Craig – the jobbing thesp responsible for turning Ian Fleming’s suave master-spy into a humourless potato-head who looks like Bing Crosby’s homeless cousin.

The daily chore of reaching for the off-button as the Archers theme-tune begins.

Endangered species. They’re only ‘endangered’ because we don’t put them in sausages or turn their pelts into slippers and luggage. Intensive farming is the way forward for leopards, rhinos and giant pandas.

Emma Barnett’s one-note interviewing technique designed to catch her victim out.

The £4.79 artisan loaf that’s sturdier than a cobblestone although not as tasty.

The puppy-dog smirk of Matt Hancock. He’s clearly the type who would have donned a pinafore during the last moments of the Titanic.

Excitable duck-voiced economist, Max Keiser.

Adverts nagging the old to get a flu-jab.

The growing threat of ‘Paddington 3’. There’s no more marmalade in the jar. Time to move on.

Guests on Desert Island Discs who run charities responsible for helping people on actual desert islands.

Norman Smith’s primary school metaphors delivered with random shouts and over-large hand-gestures to help the dimwits at the back.

Angela Rayner’s belief that she’s qualified to lead because she became a grandmother at 37.

Newsnight. The drop-in centre for bereaved Remainers is still cult viewing among Brexiteers. Watch and marvel as Brexit is discussed by guests whose loathing of Brexit is surpassed only by the presenter’s.

The barmy Green dogma that the death of all humans is guaranteed by the birth of more humans. Some weirdos even promote this contradiction by pinning an XR badge to their toddlers’ bibs.

Female leaders who make a key-note speech wearing a very loud purple frock. (Subliminal message, I’m royalty.)

Broadcasters who salivate over ‘drill’ music, seemingly unaware that ‘drill’ means ‘stab’.

Finally, the greatest irritant in modern life is the criminal ineptitude of Greta Thunberg’s truancy officer.

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