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Spectator competition winners: When Donald Trump met W.S. Gilbert (‘I am the very model of a Very Stable Genius’)

4 February 2018

10:17 AM

4 February 2018

10:17 AM

The latest competition was a nod to Donald Trump’s first year in office, and what better as a springboard than the US President’s own words. Taking inspiration from @huntthesnark on Twitter, I invited you to compose a presidential patter song, taking as your first line ‘I am the very model of a Very Stable Genius’.

John Beaton’s first two stanzas caught my eye:

I am the very model of a Very Stable Genius
and though my tiny hands can’t grab the bigness of my penius-
and, by the way, its bigness is so big it is obscenious-
they’re fine for grabbing babes who’ve kept their bodies beauty
      queenious.

I sniff a lot and slur a bit. That’s coz I’m so spontaneous.
I’ll sue the sorry liars who suggest it looks cocaineous
and, while I’m at it, libellers who call my speech inaneous.
Not true. I’m good, like fucking good, with words that are
      profaneous.

As did Max Gutmann’s second:

That nasty Robert Mueller and his FAKE attempt to topple us
With help from lying coffee boy George Papadoopadopoulos
Would surely change his tune and very quickly let me off if he
Were smart enough to understand the stableness of ‘covfefe’.

There isn’t any reason for his very hostile scrutiny;
We’ve never had a leader as incredibly unPutiny.
But he just keeps on prying – I cannot believe how mean he is –
Despite the fact his president’s a Very Stable Genius.


Other stellar performers were Carolyn Beckingham, Brian Murdoch and Ann Alexander, but now over to the winners, who take £25.

Robert Schechter
I am the very model of a Very Stable Genius.
To castigate my temperament is nasty, fake and heenius.
There’s Lincoln and there’s Washington and other famous presidents
Whom I would say I’m smarter than without a moment’s hesitance.

I listen to my gut when it gives very fine advice to me.
I make up clever names to pin on fools who are not nice to me.
I only need to bark to drive my catty critics up a tree.
I’m not the star of any show that features Putin’s puppetry.

I understand there is a probe, and Mueller is conducting it,
and fake news outlets like to lie and say I am obstructing it,
but don’t they also say I am afflicted by senility?
And wouldn’t that suggest that I am lacking culpability?

I wish to be an emperor who sits atop a monarchy
But first I need to tear things down and throw things into anarchy.
Some say that I’m Hitlerian, or maybe Mussolinious,
but no, I’m Trump, the model of a Very Stable Genius.

Sylvia Smith
I am the very model of a Very Stable Genius;
My IQ score is 8.5, a number quite Fellinious;
My health is great, don’t drink or smoke, I’m totally abstenious;
I like my coffee hot and sweet and frothy, cappucineous.

That’s how I like my women too, for preference bikinious –
It’s easier to grab the parts considered erogeneous.
Who says that grabbing women by the pussy is demeanious?
They love it, and implore ‘Me too!’, those beauties so Atheneous.

I’m built like Pavarotti, just as pasta-filled, linguineous;
I could have been an opera star, my voice is so Puccinious.
I write great poetry; my fans declare I’m ‘Seamus Heaney-ous’,
And one of them described my rhymes as ‘wickedly ingenious’.

As President, I’ll make our country white and homogeneous;
No immigrants will be allowed from countries deemed latrineous.
Politically, I’m savvy, and if Mueller gets subpoenious,
My skill at wriggling out of tricky spots is quite Houdinious.

Nicholas Hodgson
I am the very model of a Very Stable Genius,
I’m very good at spelling and I’ve got a giant penius;
I’m smart in running businesses, a TV personality,
Despising everyone who doesn’t share my nationality;
I’d bigger crowds than anyone when they inaugurated me,
It’s just sad losers with fake news who’ve actually hated me;
I’ve kept out evil Mexicans (no hint of white supremacy!),
I’ve snubbed that Muslim Khan over our off-location embassy;
In bed by half-past six to help my cognitive ability,
I’ve whupped Korean fatties with my nuclear capability;
I know the shithole countries that I hugely like to pillory,
I tell the world through tweeting all the crimes of crooked Hillary;
I’ve single-handedly restored American ascendancy,
Assisted by my cheeseburgers and pussy-grabbing tendency.
(Of course, a speechwriter wrote this: by Trump this comp’s not winnable,
Because he finds it difficult to get beyond one syllable.)

Sylvia Fairley
I am the very model of a Very Stable Genius
Some people say I’m not too bright, my policies are hein-eous,
A wolff who’s in sheep’s clothing may have talked of juvenility,
Unheeding of my intellect and cognizant ability.

The medics have examined me, their methods were methodical,
My body’s perfect, and my mind – my genes are quite rhapsodical,
And, by the way, I’m also blessed with massive genitalia,
One day I’ll line the voters up and show them my regalia.

My critics who have censured me for blatant promiscuity
Are jealous of my intellect and sexual ingenuity,
I like a bit of pussy, don’t accuse me of vulgarity,
It means I have the common touch, ensures my popularity.

On immigration I’ve a plan: I’m such a clever President
I keep the foreign bastards out, check every dark-skinned resident.
And North Korea? Rocket Man resides in that vicinity,
Just watch me press the button as I blow him to infinity.

Your next challenge is to provide a resignation letter in the style of a well-known author (up to 150 words). Email entries to lucy@spectator.co.uk by midday on 14 February, please.


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