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Spectator competition winners: how to get rid of an unwanted guest

30 April 2016

9:45 AM

30 April 2016

9:45 AM

The invitation to suggest remarks guaranteed to get rid of a guest who is outstaying his or her welcome drew in the punters.

Leading the pack as surefire ways to get lingering visitors reaching for their coats were birth videos, Estonian whisky, Stockhausen, didgeridoo recitals and Rolf Harris’s greatest hits. Also popular were suggestions along the lines of Basil Ransome-Davies’s ‘While you’re here, how about a spot of anal sex?’ and Tracy Davidson ‘Fancy a threesome?’, both of which struck me as somewhat risky. If all else fails, there’s always Graham Pirnie’s admirably uncompromising ‘Fuck off you boring old cow/git.’

Those printed below are rewarded with £5 apiece.

Nicholas Hodgson
Can anyone else smell gas?

Right, time to get the vuvuzelas out.

Do you want to hear my party piece? I’ve memorised π to 999 places. It’s 3.1415926535897932384626433…

Brian Murdoch
I’ve got this really rare recording of the whole text of Beowulf chanted in Anglo-Saxon — it should be perfect at this time of night.

Basil Ransome-Davies
Enoch was right!

The FA haven’t got a clue, have they? Sven twists them round his little finger while shagging everything in sight, Fabio takes the money and runs, after the Wally with the brolly makes us a laughing stock, then Woy comes along waving the flag and still any side that’s really trying can murder us. That’s 50 years of hurt now. What do you reckon?

I think my wife’s upstairs committing suicide, stupid cow.

Bill Greenwell
That’s my third cousin thrice removed; he’s like me, yes? He was at 12 Stanley Road Livingstone in 1891, or maybe vice versa; hang on, I’ll bring up the census.


What’s your wife’s name again, something mannish I wager.

Sandra’s just been to the garage and she swears she saw your babysitter there.

G.M. Davis
I haven’t played this thing for donkey’s years. I wonder if I can still coax a tune out of it.

You know the whole Twin Towers thing was a classic false flag operation, don’t you? Aviation fuel, my backside. There are 12 key points that prove it was a controlled demolition. Number one…

Adrian Fry
Having shared a meal, you’ll be surprised, when we all compare stools later, just how divergent they sometimes prove.

The children need their sleep so it’d be great if you could mime your migrant rant.

I’d love to continue the Brexit conversation now, but Gerald insists on fact-checking what you’ve said first: see you in July.

W.J. Webster
I know it’s getting late but would you mind staying on for a bit? Sam’s written a kind of verse drama that we think is really rather good in its way but we’d love an objective opinion from someone like you. And don’t worry — Sam does all the voices!

John O’Byrne
We have a man coming next week to remove the asbestos from the bedrooms.

Douglas G. Brown
Are you game for a colon cleanse?

Tessa Maude
Would anyone like to try and complete the tour of the poison garden before dinner? The Leonards, of course, will not be joining us.

Rob Stuart
Yeah, she’s a beautiful dog all right, but just wait until you see her in French knickers.

Just give me and the wife a minute to take our teeth out and you can come and join us upstairs for a threesome.

It’s cold sago for dessert, but it’s gone a wee bit solid so I’ll just go and find a saw.

Rob Johnston
Now it’s just the three of us, introduce me to your large red friend with the horns and forked tongue.

I have a very amusing tattoo but it needs a little … stimulation … to appreciate the full effect. Can you lend a hand?

Alanna Blake
Nearly time for Newsnight. We’re all going to watch together and have our usual Q and A session afterwards.

Sandra McGregor
So, who’s going to be the one to fill the paddling pool with olive oil?

Royston Taylor
Be honest. Are you a man or a woman?

John Whitworth
I can stay silent no longer. I feel I must peel you like a banana.

In his book Being a Beast Charles Foster tried to get into the skin of a badger, an otter, an urban fox, a red deer and a swift. Let’s have an account (150 words maximum) of living as a member of the species of your choice. Please email entries to lucy@spectator.co.uk by 11 May.


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