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Isis are dogs; pet the dogs, kill the terrorists and defend moderate Islam

31 October 2014

12:38 PM

31 October 2014

12:38 PM

Malaysian pharmacist Syed Azmi has emerged from hiding to apologise for organising ‘I Want to Touch a Dog’ earlier in October, a canine-petting event that drew a few hundred mostly Muslim Malaysians. So: not all Muslims hate dogs.

Only some do. Syed has been getting death threats for the initiative, and is being investigated by the federal Islamic Development Department, whose director general warned via the Malaysian press that petting dogs might lead to the ‘terrible consequence where they [Muslims] will keep dogs in their house’.

The Koranical hadiths, mind you, are muddled at best in establishing the tradition that good Muslims hate dogs. So I checked with my go-to source for Islamist affairs here in London, legal scholar Anjem Choudary, who dedicates his life to championing Sharia law in Britain – mostly by always picking up journalists’ phone calls.

Choudary confirms that, in an Islamist Britain, dogs per se would not be a problem, as long as they stay outside the home. Mohammed found, you see, that dogs kept the angels away. Choudary expounds:

‘The prophet himself owned a dog, so it’s not a problem. Hunting dogs, guard dogs, shepherd dogs, etc, are useful, there’s no problem with owning them. The reason why [Choudary, Mohammed et al don’t want dogs in the home] is that the angels whisper for you to do good deeds, and it’s good to have them around and the dogs will drive them out.’

They’re also reasonably effective in driving away less-angelic Muslims, as Iraq and Afghanistan veterans of Her Majesty’s 1st Military Working Dog Regiment would know.

In other Muslims-and-dogs news, audiences await to learn the fate of Isis, the fictional dog on Downton Abbey, which Camilla Swift watches so we don’t have to. The show’s producers may or may not be fixing to off the labrador, seeing as how most people don’t care to be reminded of jihadists in Syria and Iraq while enjoying English period dramas.

As for your correspondent, I’ve been filling the day with YouTube videos of non-fictional dog-pets named Isis. Here’s one being tortured by her human with a pink stuffed toy; enjoy.

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