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What do I need to do to become ‘Islamophobe of the Year’?

23 February 2014

9:44 AM

23 February 2014

9:44 AM

I was robbed! News has just come in that despite making the shortlist I failed to win ‘Islamophobe of the Year’ in any of the categories.

Proving once again that Ayatollah Khomeini was a big fat liar when he said there are ‘no jokes’ in Islam, the Khomeinist ‘Islamic Human Rights Commission’ last night named President Obama as overall ‘Islamophobe of the Year’. Various other continent-specific categories were closed to me, though it is interesting to note that Nobel Peace Prize winner Aung San Suu Kyi stormed the ‘Asia and Australia’ section.

Yet the UK results are cause for most bitterness. The shortlist apparently consisted of Theresa May, Maajid Nawaz, Raheem Kassam and me. My money was on Maajid. He had an absolutely excellent start to the year, showing terrific form in, among other things, tweeting a wholly innocuous cartoon of the founder of his own religion and pointing out that he was ‘not offended’ by it. During the fall-out the rest of us could only look on with envy and an air of ‘I wish I had thought of that’.

However, none of us could have foreseen the secret advances made by the appalling young upstart Raheem Kassam, who appears to have imported US-style campaign tactics into this process. Now at Breitbart London, Raheem appears to have triumphed through a hugely successful ‘get out the vote’ campaign in which he urged his readers to click through to the IHRC’s website and vote for him. I must say that I think this is very low politicking. It is true that I provided a link to the IHRC’s voting form on this site, but I chose to leave the question of voting to the consciences of my readers. I feel that I really ought to complain to the Khomeinist IHRC. For if they cannot see how Raheem’s actions were always likely to distort the results then perhaps the group should head to Tehran for a spell to be reminded of how genuinely free, fair and open elections can be performed, with fairly limited use of torture, rape, execution and the assistance of local militia.

Anyhow, I am feeling philosophical. There is always next year, and the year after that. Whether there will be a year after that depends, I suppose, on whether the IHRC’s view of Islam – now backed up, I am happy to see, by our former Archbishop of Canterbury, Rowan Williams himself – ever comes to dominate in this country.

In the meantime I am going to put my head down for a bit and study the form of this year’s winners. It currently seems to me that to be sure of victory next year I will have to, among other things, ‘get out the vote’ more efficiently, become the most left-wing President in US history, develop a private ‘drone’ force capable of carrying out limited strikes against terrorists in tribal areas, become one of the most revered human rights campaigners in the world and win a Nobel peace prize while spending many years under house arrest. There must be an easier way, surely? Yet I cannot see how. Any ideas from readers would be much appreciated.

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