Coffee House

If I was elected your dictator for life, this is what I’d ban in 2016

1 January 2016

9:00 AM

1 January 2016

9:00 AM

Things I am going to ban when, by popular acclaim, I am elected your Dictator For Life in 2016.

1. Onions where the brown skin doesn’t come off easily. You know the ones: where the papery outer layer clings so tightly that you have to pick it off laboriously with a sharp knife and it takes forever. I hate these onions so much. I’m pretty sure they’re all foreign, though I may be mistaken.

2. Slimline tonic water. (See also: Diet Coke; semi-skimmed milk) ‘Oh? Is it really? Sorry about that. I think it’s all we’ve got.’

‘Aspartame? Oh, is that not good?’

‘Not sure I can tell the difference, to be honest.’

‘Don’t blame me. I don’t get any say in the shopping. She buys it because she thinks I’ll lose weight.’

Look: if you’re going to make me a gin and tonic, make it properly: ice, high-end gin, boutique tonic, lemon not lime; or not at all.

3. I’m A Celebrity Get Me Out Of Here. (See also: all reality TV; everything on boxed set.) I’m sure I’ve said it before, but seriously: it is such a huge waste of life. The other day, I actually found myself cogitating over why a man called Brian — of whose existence I had been blissfully unaware until the show started — had been booted off so shockingly early. I had a brain, once, which studied stuff like Gawain and the Green Knight and the Dream of the Rood. But then, if you believe the urban myth about all your cells replacing themselves every seven years, we’re talking four incarnations ago.

4. E-cigarettes. Cowards! Take your cancer and your shivering-outside-on-the-pavement social stigma like a man.

[Alt-Text]


5. People who don’t go foxhunting. Hateful, hateful people.

6. Adverts in cinemas. (See also: Christmas ads.) I’m with the Church of England on this: there is no surer sign that the devil walks the earth. Also trailers which completely mislead you as to how good a film is going to be. Why oh why did I allow myself to be gulled into imagining that Black Mass would be up there with GoodFellas?

7. Cyclists. I’m sorry. I know at least one of you is my friend. But sometimes when you’re a dictator you have to take tough decisions for the good of all.

8. Students. Richard Dawkins is right: ‘A university is not a “safe space”. If you need a safe space, leave, go home, hug your teddy & suck your thumb until ready for university.’ I won’t ban universities altogether. But the entrance test will include an additional paper with searching questions on trans–gender issues, triggering and ‘rape culture’. Anyone who passes will automatically be disbarred.

9. That frightful woman who does BBC Radio 4’s Any Answers. She’s just awful: so hectoring and disapproving and opinionated in an all-too-predictable BBC direction. Any Answers is supposed to be where Real Britain responds to all the drivel they’ve been infuriated by on Any Questions. Not a place for them to get sneered at yet again.

10. Signs that begin: ‘For your comfort and convenience…’ before forbidding you from doing something that, actually, you’d find both comforting and convenient.

11. Stupid ‘house rules’. Especially the Free Parking one on Monopoly. This is where all fines are paid not to the bank but put in the middle of the board and given to whoever next lands on Free Parking. This has the same corrupting effect on the Monopoly economy as treasure ships laden with gold did on 16th-century Spain’s. Players no longer have to worry about affording new properties and become more careless of asking for trivial rents on undeveloped properties.Worst of all, though, it makes the game last about five times as long as it should. And it’s not as though Monopoly doesn’t already last too long even when you play by the rules.

12. Roibos. Not tea. Not even close. It tastes like grown-ups’ Ribena, with all the fun removed. With the additional misery that it doesn’t even give you a mild caffeine lift.

13. All jobs with the word sustainability, equality or diversity in the title.

14. Passed (American for died). Oh, he just passed, did he? That’s fine. Had he died that would have been really serious. Terminal, in fact. But if he’s just passed, well he’s obviously coming back. Isn’t he? He isn’t?? He’s dead??? Well why didn’t you just say so?

15. Drawstrings on pyjama bottoms.Yes, they ought to be a good old-fashioned, lovely thing. But not only is it far, far too easy to urinate on the loose string during your final pee before bed, but when you roll over in the night it sometimes flaps heavily against you and wakes you up.

16. Pop-up restaurants. Pop-up anything, actually. Do I really need to explain?

17. David Cameron and George Osborne. I know it’s a truism — but they really haven’t seized the Corbyn-shaped, once-in-a-millennium opportunity to start rolling back the frontiers of state, have they?

18. ‘No offence Dad, but…’ followed by something so unimaginably offensive you can’t for the life of you think why you didn’t send your children to the glue factory like you kept promising when they were little.

19. Pugs. I love them but a) I think we’ve long since reached peak pug and b) if they were banned, I wouldn’t be so bothered that I can’t afford £800-odd quid to buy one.

20. ‘Are you interested in a half-price bar of Galaxy with your purchase?’

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Show comments
  • ColTPride

    11. Stupid ‘house rules’. Especially the Free Parking one on Monopoly. This is where all fines are paid not to the bank but put in the middle of the board and given to whoever next lands on Free Parking.

    Before the game just quietly agree – we’re playing by the official rules. Don’t mention fines and free parking.

    Then let them put the fines in the middle, but, when the first person lands on free parking (if it’s not you) quote:

    “The Banker also pays salaries and bonuses, lends money when required on mortgages and collects all taxes, fines, loans and interest. In the event of auctions, the Banker acts as auctioneer.”

    “Free parking – If you land on this space, you simply rest here until your next turn. There is no penalty for landing here: you may still undertake transactions as usual (for example, collect rent, build on Sites you own, etc.).”

    Insist the money is returned to the banker – they agreed official rules. A dispute will ensue, degenerating into a fight – game over within 10 to 20 minutes.

  • The_greyhound

    No, 21.
    telemachus.

  • Turtle of Australia

    Plus: Greenpeace, WWF, Al Gore, The IPCC, The UN, Naomi Oreskes, David Suzuki, The Greens…
    You missed to many to name James.

  • Michael990

    I’d ban the Daily Telegraph, before it finally collapses. It needs putting out of its misery immediately.

  • Jackthesmilingblack

    Make those book a flight sites user friendly instead of user hostile.

  • Richard Harrold

    The non-homogenised full-cream milk I buy is so creamy that it results in a horribly fatty, oily cuppa tea. Therefore, I need semi-skimmed milk for tea so I don’t have to use anaemic homogenised generic “full-cream” milk on my cereal…

    • Jackthesmilingblack

      Have you tried honeycomb honey on your Corn Flakes?

      • Richard Harrold

        I don’t eat cornflakes, and no, one needs hydration with one’s cereal. I also don’t approve from a beekeeping POV of cutting out the comb…

        • Jackthesmilingblack

          You’d better have a word with Iranian beekeepers then.

  • JabbaPapa

    If I ***were*** to be declared the Speccie Dictator of the Year, I’d not be ungracious nor unfriendly with the occasional flaw in English of the journalists, but I’d be a ruthless Hun with their copy editors.

  • Ralph

    Can we ban the use of the word ‘iconic’ as it is ‘the aren’t clever’ buzz word of the last few years?

    • Jackthesmilingblack

      Very original

  • Tim Gilling

    That woman who does Any Answers has the loveliest voice on radio.

    • Airey Belvoir

      Just a pity how she uses it.

  • London Calling

    I would ban pop up advertising. Its so irritating. Here they pop up straight away as you start reading a post. I never watch them and switch the x within seconds. Elswhere you can skip although I would say the word run would be more appropriate.

    • jeremy Morfey

      I’ve noticed increasingly the x doesn’t work any longer. You have to go into Preferences and delete the relevant cookie, exit out of the browser and try again. Google’s Right to Privacy Violation reminder is particularly annoying as it sits there obliterating your searches and makes anyone wonder if Bing or DuckDuckGo should really take over.

      Another function of the x is to make the pop-up flash in animation, just to emphasise its importance in your life. Such is the exciting new user experience we get with an up-to-date OS and stylish web designers!

  • http://www.workinprogress.com Nicetime

    I’d probably go for Rod Liddle as Dictator, with me as Home Secretary (obviously the MoJ would have been wound up and its roles re-merged into the Home Office). JD would be DG of the BBC in this world

    • Jackthesmilingblack

      What, Rod the Commie? Gimme a break.

  • MojaveDon

    James, why wait for your election….just seize power now!

  • anyfool

    If not you as dictator, what about Jacob Rees Mogg.

  • Jackthesmilingblack

    Journalists that mix Imperial and metric measurement terms in the same sentence. As in, “takes 31 metres to stop from 35 mph”.

    • roberto fantechi

      And ” if i was ” for ” if i were “

      • Jackthesmilingblack

        Kids today, ain’t got no grammar.

  • Mhjames

    Interesting totalitarian fantasy by alleged libertarian.

  • rock paper scissors

    A half priced galaxy seems a too good offer to turn down. I’d chose the Andromeda Galaxy.

    • Jackthesmilingblack

      Using USCS measurement terms for astrophysics.

  • Dr. Heath

    I have just looked up the term ‘Grammar N**i’ to see whether it’s so horrible as to justify one of my comments disappearing into the ether. What we must hope will disappear, or be banned, in 2016 is any employee of a website in charge of vetting comments who is stupid enough to believe that the use of such a term is a breach of the websites ‘community guidelines’ or in any way likely to offend.

    • Duckworth Keats

      Rather than “Grammar N**i”, try “Fourth Horseman of the Apostrophe”. Nothing there to frighten the moderator N**is.

      • Jackthesmilingblack

        Not the like it’s the end of the world.

        • Duckworth Keats

          eh?

          • Jackthesmilingblack

            You don’t know that joke?
            I ‘ve just seen the four horsemen of the

  • The PrangWizard of England

    Ban ‘hike’, ‘heist’, (and all such US imported words and phrases), and make it legal to tip farm manure into the entrance areas of all TV stations who do not obey.

  • JonBW

    With you most of the way apart from the canine/vulpine dichotomy.

    A world without pugs would be none the worse; a countryside with more foxes would be far nicer.

  • Dr. Heath

    21. The use of phrases like “from the get-go”, “diddly squat” and “lock and load” by people who are neither American nor gravely mentally impaired.

    22. The production of television shows with titles that start with the word “Britain’s Favourite…” and which end with off-putting revelations of the shows’ abysmal content, such as Knock, Knock Joke/Carry On film/family-pet-inside-clothes-dryer-moment as seen on YouTube etc.

    23. The description, by someone well-connected enough/intelligent enough to be employed as a news reporter, of anything, anywhere, as “iconic”.

    24. Harry Hill.

    • Duckworth Keats

      A bit unfair on Harry Hill. His skewering of crass TV on his TV Burp show was pretty good.

    • Jackthesmilingblack

      Making Benny Hill a non-person.

  • new_number_2

    How exactly would you go about banning David Cameron and George Osborne?

    • ArchiePonsonby

      By any means possible?

  • Roger

    Politicians borrowing money to fuel current consumption. Bang them up if the do not stick to the Golden Rule.

    • jeremy Morfey

      Why not put them up for auction to the lowest bidder? Don’t they believe in privatisation any more?

    • Leon Wolfeson

      So, close the NHS, schools…and what else? To pay for your plan, I mean.

      • Roger

        Yep only have what you can afford and stop selfishly dipping into the pockets of the unborn. If you want more welfare now then find the money from current revenues. If these are not enough to fund all your desires then put up taxes and then see how long that lasts. It is selfish and highly immoral to borrow from the future to fund current consumption, but the left are not strong with morals are they?

        • Leon Wolfeson

          Ah, so most of the poor should just die, right.
          As you call a working country “selfish and immoral”, and as you blame the left for your issues.

          • Roger

            No if you want to increase support to welfare find it from current sources, increase taxes if you feel you could do so in a sustainable manner and be supported by Joe Voter, but do not do the immoral thing of stealing from the unborn. I claim that borrowing to sustain current consumption is highly immoral, it should only be undertaken as a very short term measure. The deficit should be behind us by now and dragging it on has no moral basis as long as borrowing is the solution.

            • Leon Wolfeson

              Ah, so slash welfare, right, based on no future workers. You say that a functional economy is immoral, blah blah, as you *in fact* support austerity and it’s high spending.

              The answer is not cutting the economy repeatedly as immoral Tories like you…

              • Roger

                We do not share the same Moral Compass. I do not agree to paying for current consumption by the unborn and you are happy to do so. So let us just leave it there.
                You are confused, cutting the deficit is not cutting the economy. In fact whilst cutting the deficit both the number of jobs and GDP grew. Truth is that money which you borrow from the future to fuel current consumption is enjoyed by those exporting to UK and does nothing for our Trade Gap only worsen it.
                As I said we should in principle only afford current consumption from current revenues, however, I do not object to borrowing for infrastructure projects that provide future benefits to society as long as properly justified.

                • Leon Wolfeson

                  No, I don’t hate the poor, for instance.

                  As you try and deny the effecys of austerity, and claim less is more – while the economy teeters. As you decry the trade gap being far too small, right, and as you want to borrow to give rich companies a head-up, right.

                • Roger

                  I really do not know how with one’s wildest imagination you are able to deduce I hate the Poor. I just have a Moral Compass and you appear to have thrown yours out of the window. The problem for you is to show how you can afford your Welfare State from current revenues or do you think we should borrow such from the future ad nausium? Me I do not think increasing borrowing in such a manner is sustainable or moral, you appear to believe “ends justifies means”, now where have I heard that one before?

                • Leon Wolfeson

                  So you can’t deduce your own posts, as you call not hatinng the poor “thrown yours out of the window”, as you oppose the welfare state, as you want to starve so many right now.

                  As you blame me for your plan, which involves slash and burn on the economy for ideological reasons, ignoring growth as a potential!

                • Roger

                  Better stop smoking whatever it is that fugs your mind. You appear to only believe in borrowing and can justify everything on the back of that. Well sorry borrowing to fund wages in the public sector does not produce anything that we can sell in the export market, whilst a boon if spent wisely for services, is a killer for our productive wealth creating sector. In fact it just sucks in more imports.
                  As for me hating the poor well I read that as you attempting to show your compassionate side, well compassion does not win debates, just produces heat. Please don’t insult me with your overblown heart embroidered on your sleeve as that is vulgar and unscientific in approach to any problems.

                  Me I want to see a stop to borrowing and a move away from conspicuous consumption towards greater job creating exportable production. Here an over-bloated welfare state is a road block.

                • Leon Wolfeson

                  I don’t have your habits, as you make wild claims about me, and as you decry universal schooling and the NHS, etc.

                  As you talk about how it’s a “killer” for your beloved private education and health companies, etc.

                • Roger

                  Who does hate the poor? Maybe you are just sowing a heart on your sleve?

                  Why do I wish to borrow to fund rich companies? Makes no sense. As I said I am not against borrowing to fund infrastructure projects that are deemed to benefit future generations, but borrowing (stealing) from the future to import stuff now is highly immoral.

                • Leon Wolfeson

                  You, as you show your ignorance of economics.

                  No, Torynomics makes no sense, but you keep arguing for it, as you argue against allowing many of the poor to live now, or to provide many services at all, as you argue for slashing the economy to the ground.

  • Will Rees

    I would fight you to my dying breath.

    Lime in GnT, ALWAYS!

    • Malcolm Stevas

      Eeeuuugghhhh… Take it straight, on a serious pile of big ice cubes, with perhaps some lemon peel rubbed around the rim of the large, heavy based tumbler…

      • FrankS2

        Straight from the bottle. On a park bench.

        • Jackthesmilingblack

          Through a straw in the cinema while reviewing a film. Strike a chord, scribes?

    • Violin Sonata.

      Quite right and perfect . G & T s with a slice of Lime, ice cold tonic and 4 Ice cubes.

      • ossettian

        The gin should be kept in the freezer.

        Worst G & T ever, from friends living near Albi: room temperature Gordon’s, room-temperature Schweppes, lemon slice, ice cubes made out of stinky tap water.

        • Duckworth Keats

          Plymouth gin, Fever Tree tonic, slice of lime and lots of ice served in a gently curving ‘Mad Men; style tumbler.

        • Jackthesmilingblack

          Gin with milk’s pretty bad.

        • jeffersonian

          Never Gordon’s. Bombay Sapphire.

          • Malcolm Stevas

            Plymouth for me. And Waitrose own-brand, the cheaper one, is surprisingly good.

            • UKSteve
              • Malcolm Stevas

                Interesting: last time I bought the Waitrose it was about the same price as cited for this Morrisons. I wonder if they used the more expensive Waitrose own gin for their comparison?

            • Jackthesmilingblack

              One thing about gin, you don’t get insane prices.
              “Not a drop is drunk till it’s six weeks old.”

            • Jackthesmilingblack

              House brand bottles of spirits are still more expensive than the genuine article in Japan. Even at the current exchange rate.

              • Malcolm Stevas

                Strange. And I bet the prices are eye-wateringly high. I buy Scotch mostly in France, where I always get it at around 40% or less of the UK price.

                • Todd Unctious

                  You snob.

                • Jackthesmilingblack

                  Country A retails 12-year single malt for around Stg.35 for a 70cl bottle. Adjoining country B retails exactly the same product for around Stg.15. Truck drivers pass through country B en route for country A.
                  For A and B read Britain and France. Inept government provided the opportunity. Same in this neck of the woods with duty free Langkawi and the ultra high price mainland. Lovely jubbly, to quote a TV comic character. Get your lovely duty free.
                  Jack, Penang

                • Jackthesmilingblack

                  If you’re saying that you think prices of Scotch whisky in Japan are high, you’d lose your bet.
                  But thanks for the heads up on France.
                  So where do the lorry drivers distribute?

                • Malcolm Stevas

                  Perplexed by your reference to lorry drivers.

                • Jackthesmilingblack

                  See my reference to the pub car park was deleted. As was the government entrapment argument.
                  The Spectator do have a nasty honest streak.

            • Todd Unctious

              Plymouth is a dump. Totnes is worse. Full of 65 year old hippies.

        • Malcolm Stevas

          A brief business acquaintance once served me Scotch – in a plastic tumbler…

          • Jackthesmilingblack

            Kids today, everything’s has to be just perfect.

      • UKSteve

        I used to like Booth’s gin. Fever Tree Premium is best tonic.

    • ArchiePonsonby

      No. No NO! I’m definitely with JD with regard to this one!

  • Swarm of Drones

    If stupidity was certifiable and indeed to be certified in some nationally regulated form, surely some mid-ranking and unelected Brussels official would come up with the idea to ban bad journalism and scribblers from exercising all kinds of arbitrary manifestations of free speech about random and totally unconnected things designed to f**k with the minds of the lobotomised, which they clearly do, and this author would find himself closed down tout-de-suite, ‘shut out mir nichts dir nichts’, for those of you who don’t do French. Yet, purely in the interest of balancing the argument of this admittedly one-sided and biased post, should one not seek such certification at one’s earliest convenvience for reasons of enhancing much-needed PR alone?

    • eat your greens

      I’ll take a big fat dump on publishing the same lame article four times. Leftards must be running out of ideas.

      • telemachus

        Leftists are never devoid of ideas
        Remember that this year we see the Tories implode on Europe
        While the decline of the Farage cabal accelerates
        *
        Finally we will see some hope for those at the bottom of society

        • Wessex Man

          Glad to see that you are admitting to being a bottom througher at last tele babe.

          • telemachus

            You skim past the meat
            Even you are abandoning those who still extol smoking and drinking habits to our youth
            And peddle frank racism
            Society has moved on

            • Caractacus

              Given up on the literary allusions and moving into preaching are you?

              You’re still a rat.

        • Ralph

          Leftists are totally devoid of ideas, they keep on mass murdering and starting famines in their quest to create a worker’s utopia but it never works, and always think the state runs things best which s clearly very silly.

          • telemachus

            You misunderstand

            What is necessary is a caring egalitarian society

            Just as the capitalists kick when they see their privilege diluted, so those who initiate the socialist process become corrupted

            We must follow the teachings of Wellock, not Lenin

            ” our business is to create a Christian Communist consciousness, and to let the revolution, or what there be, come out of that… We must concentrate upon the ideal, preach and teach it everywhere, proclaim it in the cities, in the churches, at the street corners – go into the highways and the hedges and compel the people to see life anew, and in the light of a finer ideal to re-create the world.”

            *

            compel the people to see life anew

            • Ralph

              The left wing version of an egalitarian society was to be produced by the starvation of millions, the slave labour of hundreds of thousands, and the bullets of NKVD and their ilk.

              And all of this was excused and covered up by the British left.

              • telemachus

                “so those who initiate the socialist process become corrupted”

                Only because of this
                *

                I commend to you again Wilfred Wellock

                http://spartacus-educational.com/FWWwellockW.htm

                • Ralph

                  You could use that same argument for Fascism or Nazism and it would still be repellent. Next will be the they weren’t ‘true’ socialists.

                • telemachus

                  They read the theory
                  But were not up to the reality

                • Ralph

                  So socialism attracts murdering thugs who aren’t up to it? That’s a good enough reason if any to not support it.

            • http://www.spectator.co.uk/ scilicet

              “Compel” being the operative word…

              • telemachus

                I am afraid that those who have arrogated the resources and levers of power to themselves will kick
                There needs to be persuasion

        • UKSteve

          Leftists are never troubled with ideas. They lack the intellectual capacity.

          By the way, I’m still waiting for my proof! Ta!)

          • telemachus

            You will always find more intellectual brain power on the left

            • UKSteve

              Nope. I’ve been around a long time, and not seen any yet. All I’ve seen from any Leftists that manage to get into power is total destruction and despair.

              (BTW, how’s that proof coming on?)

              • Todd Unctious

                Glib charlatan

                • UKSteve

                  Clueless fool.

              • Leon Wolfeson

                So you can’t see the Nordics, Germany, etc.

            • hereward

              Go to Venezuela and queue for 5 hours and you might just be allowed to buy a toilet roll ( if they have any left ) . Socialism at its finest !

              • Leon Wolfeson

                That’s actually Dear Leader syndrome.
                Never ends well, no matter what the ideology of the Dear Leader.

        • mightymark

          The decline of the “Farage cabal” will surely help the Tories or are you one of the poor deluded souls who think someone inclined to vote for UKIP is just gagging for the chance to vote for Corbyn?

        • Michael990

          Well, you failed with his wheel nuts. What are you going to try next?

      • Todd Unctious

        Tories love listing the things they would ban. Intolerant illiberal little cretins.

    • JabbaPapa

      You seem to be trying to position yourself for the job.

    • Tamerlane

      Are you and your little army of suspiciously similar ‘up voters’ 12 years old my brave keyboard warrior?

      • Todd Unctious

        As always preoccupied with the arrow count. Do the Barclay’s get you to monitor this too?

      • Leon Wolfeson

        Ah, you’re a child-hater as well.

        • Todd Unctious

          He is paid to monitor the up and down votes . Wierdly he has been silent for three weeks after I outed him as a Barclay Bros shill. Perhaps he took Xmas off.

        • Tamerlane

          Ah, as you detest the right of the child. I see.

          • Leon Wolfeson

            So blind man, your spam continues, as you demand I share your views.

            • Tamerlane

              Except the facts, of course.

              Oh, and the issue of elevation.

              • Leon Wolfeson

                So you bot’s now posting unaltered posts of mine back at me.

        • Tamerlane

          So you think MP’s are unelected. And want to leave the Union on that? Hmm!

          • Leon Wolfeson

            So now you’re posting my posts back, randomly, spammer.

            • Tamerlane

              Ah, the evils of not blocking trade years ago, etc. As you blame the EU for entirely domestic flood defense funding cuts.

              • Leon Wolfeson

                Thanks for confirming you’re just spamming me with my own posts, bot spammer.

                • Tamerlane

                  Oh please. That sort of conspiracy would require thousands of people to be involved. At least.

                • Leon Wolfeson

                  Yup, your spam and copy/pasting posts goes on, bot.

          • Todd Unctious

            Classic Tammy. “So you think….” His favourite opening line. Trouble is he is incapable of genuine thought. Tammy plagiarises others .

            • Tamerlane

              Leon Wolfeson’s a basket case Yvonne/Barry, he’s too crazy to know how stupid he is, you’re not crazy so you’ve no excuse but hey if a man is judged by the company he keeps etc…

        • Jackthesmilingblack

          What me? I love children, but I couldn’t eat a whole one.

          • Leon Wolfeson

            Very funny. Your post remains.

  • Richard

    Could I ask, has the hypothetical case disappeared in the UK?
    “If I was elected your dictator for life, this is what I’d ban in 2016” used always to be “If I WERE elected…” This allowed for differentiation between what had happened in the past, and what a hypothetical situation might have been like.

    Is this part of the “there’s a lot of ways…” I always hear on the BBC?

    Is it laziness, or is this considered a “cool” way to speak?

    • Jackthesmilingblack

      Simply a victim of UK trash culture and a deeply flawed education system.

    • right1_left1

      re your hypothetical case
      The Germans know when to employ the subjunctive
      Ha(e)tte Wu(e)rde Wa(e)re. rather than Hatte Wurde War
      (e = umlaut)

      Incidently the first verb in your post should be ‘Durfen’ rather than ‘Konnen’
      Ask a German.
      They know !

      • Richard

        Indeed, yes, “Might I ask…” I am afraid my own standards have slipped since moving to the UK from southern Africa…

    • Muttley

      Use of the subjunctive implies some sort of education and a thorough-going knowledge of the English language, and is therefore now considered elitist, exclusive and probably a little bit racist.

  • English Fuhrer

    Banning the super injunction that prevents journalists from interviewing the individual with knowledge about American complicity in 7/7.

    • realfish

      Banning conspiracy loonies

      • ossettian

        Has that burning building in Dubai fallen down yet?

        • realfish

          No, nor will it, the damage being mostly superficial and to the external cladding.

          Oh! And it didn’t have a 777 fly through it.

          • Jackthesmilingblack

            Fly through it. Ponder that notion. Photoshopped is the only way it would be possible.

            • realfish

              Get help Jack. As soon as the clinics open on Monday.

  • logdon

    My bad.

    A friend of mine’s son kicked off an email with this bit of nonesense as an apology for not keeping in touch as often as he thought he should.

    I actually winced.

    Mind you his father, about 25 years ago did refer to people he was discussing as ‘cats’.

    I’m still tussling as to which is worse.

  • FrankS2

    Car alarms; Burglar alarms (What are you supposed to do when they start yapping and whining, apart from shouting ‘Shut TF Up!”)?

    Saying ‘ahead of’ when you mean ‘before’.

  • dickhut

    Pointless and meaningless Americanisms, such as ‘step up to the plate’ and ‘left field’.

  • JabbaPapa

    I’d ban all blog posts by Delingpole, and I’d forbid Thompson from writing more than one article of Pope-bashing per calendar year.

    • new_number_2

      I’d ban all blog posts by Douglas Murray and Nick Cohen.

      • lindzen4pm

        Not untypical that your type wants Douglas Murray banned. He is one of the few brave journos to take on the new totalitarianism, as he showed last year at the 10th anniversary of the Mohamed cartoons in Copenhagen. Shame there are not more like him. The likes of you aren’t fit to polish his shoes.

        • telemachus

          In the interests of ecumenical relations with our Muslim neighbours certainly Douglas hould take a step back

          • lindzen4pm

            Are you serious? He’s had to stop giving advance notice of speaking engagements FFS. The lunacy of special privileges for aggressive and threatening Islamists continues into 2016.
            I f***ing despair.

            • telemachus

              I suggest you read a selection of Gatestone output

              Or even some of the posts on this august blog

              “The extremists do not make their claims based on some wild misreading, but on a plausible reading of the texts and traditions which have existed within the religion since its founding…”
              ie
              They are all tarred with the same brush

              • lindzen4pm

                I agree with Douglas Murray, as I do with Mark Steyn who asserted that most Muslims want the same outcome as ISIS, but without the bombing and machine gunning. It’s time the so-called leaders of the free world realised this fact, instead of importing more of the same problem.

                • telemachus

                  2.6 million are here
                  You either find a way to coexist
                  Or induce mayhem

      • UKSteve

        Yes, we can’t have frees speech going off all over the place, now can we?

        • new_number_2

          You should really make getting a sense of humour your New Year resolution.

          • UKSteve

            I have one, hence that post.

            Grab yourself a dictionary (it explains the meaning of words), and look under “sarcasm”.

  • WFC

    People who pronounce “harassed” as “harassed”.

    (They presumably being oblivious to the fact that the latter pronounciation originated in a comedy programme about a gormless idiot called Frank Spencer whose continual mispronunciation – “Um, Betty, I’m being harassed” – was intended to be funny.)

  • kyalami

    Not just “passed” but also “lost”. My beloved cousin told me on the phone she had lost her dog two weeks earlier. “Did you find him?” I asked, followed by an awful silence.

  • Douglas Carter

    The use of the word ‘Enjoy’ as a specific sentence. Used by Hoteliers, Tour Guides, Shop assistants etc. If the misuse of the word is to continue like this in perpetuity, I’d just as soon be miserable.

    • Commonman

      If I could, I would up-tick you another ten times.

    • Malcolm Stevas

      Not to forget the cringe-making two-word injunction, “Enjoy, guys”………

      • Dr. Heath

        I’ve been surprised at how infrequently a table of restaurant diners, all of them women, fail to cringe at this moronic bit of Waiter Speak. School children are routinely addressed as ‘guys’ by their more cool teachers, so perhaps people enter adult life already inured to this manifestation of cretinism.

        • ArchiePonsonby

          And can we please, PLEASE ban a) the hideous practice of waiters and waitresses introducing themselves by name and virtually proposing marriage? b) the expression “waitpersons”? Both admittedly more prevalent over the pond than here, thank goodness!

          • Airey Belvoir

            Why do all American waiters (sorry, ‘Waitrons’ as we must be gender-neutral) have to add the word ‘today’ at the end of every utterance?

            • ArchiePonsonby

              Marginally less objectionable than “….at this time” or “….at this moment in time”. Otherwise spot on!

      • Jenki

        And……. ” Can I get.”

    • Sean Lang

      I feel mildly guilty here. When I was a student in the early 1980s it was a self-conscious little piece of word play – we all knew it was grammatically wrong but that was the point of the joke. But it was only meant to be a joke; it wasn’t meant to last so long or to travel round the world. I can only apologise on behalf of my student generation.

      While we’re at it, I’d ban “Apologies” when people mean “I’m sorry” or “Forgive me”.

    • ArchiePonsonby

      First coming to prominence when spoken by Lee Strasberg as Hyman Roth in “The Godfather”. Supposedly set in the 1950s, preposterously!

  • http://my.telegraph.co.uk/voteregime/ The Prez

    Can’t we just ban banning things? That would throw the statists a curve-ball

  • right1_left1

    Intrusive loud inappropriate background music
    Misuse of the closeup option by tv cameramen/visual directors.
    The next ‘entertainer’ who uses the F word to be executed.
    All films about the Mafia or organised crime.
    Helen Mirren
    Judi Dench and luvvies in general
    Public schools
    Misuse of emergency service sirens.

    Dishoness claims about what the Magna Carta was intended to do and what the Battle of Britain actually did.
    Excessive giggling everywhere.

    • Mary Ann

      Although I quiet like Judi Dench.

      • ButcombeMan

        Quite

    • Violin Sonata.

      The informality of strangers, I don’t like the dentists receptionist calling me by my
      Christian name.
      ‘ Public Schools’ why shouldn’t people have a choice. I’d ban champagne socialists
      whose motto is- do as we say and not as we do.
      Politicians who want to’ alleviate poverty’ ‘ save the planet’ ‘ police the world ‘
      Just balancing the economies of their own countries is required- no grandstanding.

      • right1_left1

        The primary purpose of public schools in the UK is to sustain social apartheid.
        The divisions that develops naturally are permitted

        I forbid choice or preferential self selection on vital social matters in order to increase the level of justice in my society.

        Anyone who emerges from my wonderful educational system showing signs of opposition to any approved by me policy will be required torecant or eat a donut every 10 minutes for the rest of their life until they explode..

        .

        • Malcolm Stevas

          The primary purpose of public schools in the UK is surely to provide alternative education to those who don’t want what’s on offer from the State and who are prepared to pay for it. nb I didn’t attend a public school.

          • right1_left1

            When I grab power the UK education system for the masses will eventualy start to encourage the emergence of real worh.
            Public schools now produce critics, reporters, observers, poseurs etc.

            I could elaborate but since you are contradicting me your donut diet starts immediatly.

      • Leon Wolfeson

        Ah, so you’d ban leftists, of course, while continuing to be what you decry. And ban anyone who does not hate the poor, as you want to “balance” the rich’s cash higher, right.

    • Duckworth Keats

      Agreed with exception of Judi Dench who seems fairly normal for a luvvie. I would also add BBC’s irritating and almost universal use of kilometres rather than miles in news bulletins along with the matey, chatty, “Do-Wrap-Up-Warm” style of weather presenters on all channels.

    • realfish

      ‘Train Stations’ as required by the BBC house style.

  • IainRMuir

    People who use Americanisms in place of perfectly good British words and phrases because they think it sounds cool and sort of, international, or something. To me, “back to back” means facing opposite directions, and don’t get me started on “begging the question”.

    I’d also ban people who try to justify these affectations by saying that language is constantly evolving. Yes it is, but not as a result of people trying to sound cool and trendy.

    • Mary Ann

      Cool used in your context is a relatively new word.

    • Commonman

      American cultural imperialism – maybe?

      • ArchiePonsonby

        Coca-colonization?

    • Leon Wolfeson

      Quebec has much the same idea for language. Has a board for it, even.

      (So does France, but they’re a lot less dogmatic)

      It works about as well as might be expected. That is, use of English keeps rising…

  • Violin Sonata.

    I’d also ban Mothers who dictate to the roads and other drivers when they take one child each to
    school in a 4×4 and they think their right is above all others.
    I may cycle at times, but in rural areas away from cars, they also are also totally arrogant..
    ban cycles from cities.

    • kevinlynch1005

      You want to ban a lot of irritating stuff, and in the same breadth decry intolerant puritans! Thank goodness you don’t want to ban irony as well!

      • Violin Sonata.

        Touche 🙂

  • Violin Sonata.

    James, Happy New Year. Unfortunately as I don’t subscribe, I cannot see your list.
    I’d ban subscribing 🙂
    I’d ban Facebook, Twatter– they create a gold fish bowl of attention seekers who hide themselves away
    from reality.
    Someone below said draw string pyjamas- are pyjamas and sleeping socks still worn ?
    Its usually cotton shorts and a t shirt of some kind– I am speaking of men’s sleeping attire only.
    We had a joint of ham on Boxing Day it said on the packaging :
    Remove from package, place on board, with cloth underneath. With a sharp knife slice the meat
    with fingers away from blade. Keep refrigerated and covered and eat within a few days.
    I’d ban such as that.

  • Douglas Carter

    Intolerant people should be banned.
    Frankly I don’t know why we put up with them?

    • Violin Sonata.

      Those who dictate what they assume to be tolerable should be banned.
      And the ability to offend and be offended should be accepted– we are not clones.

  • Greenslime

    Cyclists yyyyeeeeesssss!!!!! On the whole, rude, arrogant, ignorant, selfish prats. They ride around in packs and don’t give a damn about anyone else. They are the feminists of the road – only their view is valid, no other views are to be even considered as worthy of a hearing.

  • saffrin

    21. The politically correct, along with the media thought police.
    The ones that discriminate, segregating, by law, those that can be offended and those that cannot.

  • Jackthesmilingblack

    Deranged Internet trolls that make illogical, pointless, contradictory comments bordering on personal abuse as a type of vendetta need to be banned and referred to Social Services.

  • The Meissen Bison

    15 Drawstrings on Pyjamas – frankly you should only ban these if you’re genuinely happy wearing tracksuit bottoms, shell suits and other trousering with elasticated tops.
    (By the way, nobody’s going to believe the way you tell it about not peeing on the ends – that only happens to you when you get up halfway through the night and you’ve had a few too many. Be a dictator if you like but no one likes a dishonest dictator).

  • rtj1211

    Perhaps you should ask yourself why you have this need to be a dictator and whether God showed his mercy by not granting you any sons??!!

    • Violin Sonata.

      Daughters are inferior are they ?

    • Jackthesmilingblack

      Something of an assumption on your part, 1211.

  • Ron Todd

    Chewing gum and any cosmetic product that is descried as a serum or a system

  • http://owsblog.blogspot.com Span Ows

    9. And Dimbleby
    12. No need to ban, just move to ‘infusion’ drawer and fine [Draconian] any use of the word ‘tea’ in association with it.
    19. Pugs (and other small things more rat than dog)

    • vieuxceps2

      Leave dogs alone. Ban dog-owners.

      • Michael990

        Ban cats instead. Nasty, cold selfish creatures who neatly bury their waste material so you find it when you’re digging in the flower beds.

  • @PhilKean1

    .
    James, judging by the exchange we had a few days ago on Twitter –

    [5] – People who go Fox Hunting : rude, selfish, arrogant, dismissive, petty people who, in the midst of an economic emergency and when Britain is in danger of being destroyed by the EU – have completely the wrong priorities.
    .

    • Mary Ann

      EU good

      • ButcombeMan

        Vote leave.

    • vieuxceps2

      Ban foxes.

    • Leon Wolfeson

      Ah the mythical dangers of the EU. Right.
      The financial emergency is domestic – Torynomics.

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