Coffee House

What Germans do worst

17 July 2014

6:10 PM

17 July 2014

6:10 PM

Yes, alright. It turns out that Germans are pretty good at football. But they aren’t quite so good at everything, as our Barometer column this week points out. Here are some things Germans aren’t very good at:

  • Making reliable car engines. According to a survey by Warranty Direct last year, Audi came bottom, BMW seventh from bottom and Volkswagen ninth from bottom out of 36 manufacturers for engine failures.
  • Making love. According to a spurious website survey of 15,000 women in 2009, German men were the world’s worst lovers, the main complaint being that they were ‘smelly’. (Englishmen were second worst.)
  • Cricket. But they are not the worst. Germany lies between Ghana and Japan in division 8 of the ICC World Cricket League. This makes them the 42nd best team in the world, above France.

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Show comments
  • oresme2

    I thought a cricket is an animal. What should the Germans do with them?

  • http://twitter.com/WinstonCDN WinstonCDN

    LOL…

  • Gwangi

    Germans are very bad at seeing the world for the mess that it is – they always want structure, logic, engineering. This becomes obvious when you look at their language which involves building on block, then another on top of that, and so on. The Germans do everything like that, which can become tiring. I’ve taught them – and boy how they adore their dry dull grammar exercises.

    They also see themselves as leaders of Europe – which, economically, they are (perhaps thanks to a Euro which encouraged southern EU countries to borrow to buy their cars…)

    However, they are way less irritating that the French who see themselves as the leaders of Europe and the moral superiors of the Germans because of the war (though it was les anglo-saxons which saved froggie’s ahse). That is why the EU is Napoleonic, centralised, bureaucratic, corrupt – in other words, French.

    The Germans would be perfectly happy to make it more efficient, with less red tape, and make English the language of Europe. In other words, the Germans – not the French – are our friends in Europe and would agree to EU reform; they do things in a fairly similar way to the Brits (neither of us are corrupt as the southern states are) though lack the pragmatism – they always want a plan/timetable/schedule or a schematic before even going on a day trip to the shops!

  • http://www.CaerphillyPreserves.co.uk/ No Good Boyo

    Is this why their birth rate is falling? Less footie. More shagging.

  • Makroon

    This blog-post risks luring Daniel Maris out of retirement.

  • rugby god

    Very negative way with the Krauts. Why don’t we discuss some of there more endearing qualities. Like occupation, Techno, and poolside chair annexations

  • alanmdouglas

    What Germans do wurst ?

  • eoanthropus

    They don’t make liquorice allsorts or Digestive Biscuits and they just don’t seem to get the hang of stainless-steel chastity belts

  • Augustus

    “Germans are pretty good at football”

    Mein Krampf?

  • Diggery Whiggery

    They’re very good at making stuff (except car engines apparently) but they haven’t realised the economic point of it. In other words, they’re good at trading without understanding the point of trade. The consequence of this is their support for the Euro, as it allows them to maintain the illusion, at least for now.

    China are in the same boat.

  • Frank

    Germans are rubbish at foreign policy.

  • rtj1211

    And how good is Britain at ski jumping?? About the appropriate comparison to German cricket I would have thought……….

    • telemachus

      See below Ed Balls
      At the start of the current mournfully bad Ashes series, Mitchell Johnson was still enduring taunts about his erratic bowling. But now the Australian fast bowler has silenced England’s Barmy Army and after a slew of wickets, he’s the one delivering the insults. Mr Johnson is a committed “sledger” – a cricketer who unsettles a batsman by taunting – and this week he promised to keep heckling as the series trundles on.

      Perhaps the Tory party will be watching the cricketer for tips on what he calls “mind games” during the current Test in Perth. The Conservatives now have a similar programme of political sledging aimed at stumping their opponents.

      The most obvious and effective attack so far was during last week’s Autumn Statement, when a sizeable group of Tory MPs roared Ed Balls to distraction. Known as the “Treasury Support Group”, the team of around 60 lively Conservative MPs bellowed “nightmare” repeatedly at Ed Balls as he responded to George Osborne’s announcements. Mr Balls was not on top form anyway – driving away the Chancellor’s list of good economic figures was always going to be tricky – but these mind games left a rather hunted look on his face by the end. The ensuing flurry of questions about Mr Balls’s future as shadow chancellor showed political sledging isn’t just a bit of sport: it can seriously dent a politician’s career

      • Inverted Meniscus

        Well it is never a bad thing to shout down a duplicitous, incompetent socialist pile of excrement like Ed Bollux.

        • Peter Stroud

          I gather he also speaks highly of you.

    • Pier66

      Cricket is a fantastic sport that many country play…
      ski jumping is a stupid winter sport only for mountain country,
      and all they others nations that do not play cricket do not want insert it in the Olympics…because England will DESTROY all of them!!!
      YNWA

  • rtj1211

    They certainly aren’t very good at being diplomatic when they think the Brits are crap at something – I saw that very clearly at a meeting sponsored by the DTI years ago when a bunch of bullshitters trying to make out how good Britain could be at something was put in their place by a German whose company had been rather good at it for a decade or more……..

  • goatmince

    OK chaps, this must be the moment of the week:
    Spoonface scores with girlie voters whilst a slimline Eric Pickles cheers in the background. A must-see image – it beats high-fiving hands down…
    http://brazil14.org/wp-content/uploads/2014/07/Mario-Goetze-Goal-Final-FIFA-World-Cup-Brazil-2014.jpg

  • P.chi ki wan

    Compound nouns

  • P.chi ki wan

    Haircuts

  • Alexsandr

    humour?

    • Kitty MLB

      Eccentricity..no one does that better English people.

      • Fergus Pickering

        We are not eccentric. Everybody else is.

        • Kitty MLB

          Yes Fergus dear. I have always thought the same.We look at people and find them quite obscure.
          An example would be that chap somewhat like
          me, wild haired Albert (the socks and all that)
          He hardly came from Oxford.

        • Kitty MLB

          Oh, I also will be visiting the dreaming spires
          for a few days in October ( annoying a few crusty academics) and remembered you
          were there once, Fergus.

          • Fergus Pickering

            Merton, Kitty. My downstairs room in Mob Quad was previously occupied by two poets, T.S. Eliot and Alan Brownjohn.

    • Kitty MLB

      Smiling….have you ever seen a German smile?

      • Fergus Pickering

        I saw quite a few smiles after the World Cup. It’s true Adolf didn’t smile enough. Does anyone know a German joke? I sdon’t mean one about Germans but a German joke.

        • Ridcully

          Hans: “My dog has no nose.”
          Gustav: “How does he smell?”
          Hans: “He can’t.”

          • rugby god

            That is very funny the longer I think about it! Do they do MIL jokes (I’m of Teutonic stock but was raised as a god-fearing Rooinek in SA)

      • serialluncher

        They’re like the French in that way. Smiling is considered creepy unless you really know them.

        • Donafugata

          They may not smile much but their laughter is extremely loud and perhaps somewhat forced.

          And when they do laugh it’s usually schadenfreude.

          • serialluncher

            Actually that’s quite perceptive. They rarely laugh at themselves – usually heartily at others’ misfortune or embarrassment.

      • miford

        Yes, at another’s misfortune. It’s called schadenfreude – pleasure derived from the misfortunes of others – it literally means ‘Harm-Joy’. It is the feeling of joy or pleasure when one sees another fail or suffer misfortune.

  • Kitty MLB

    German beer they say isn’t very good…not that I’d know.

    • P.chi ki wan

      Reinheitsgebot,ensures German beer is by far the best in the world.

      • Hexhamgeezer

        On a par with our best I’d say.

        • P.chi ki wan

          Agreed,it’s just a shame it’s become difficult to find pubs serving our best.

    • Fergus Pickering

      Only English beer is good. Take it from me, Kitty. Lager is not beer.

      • xDemosthenesx

        thank god, at least there is another crusader out there

      • Kitty MLB

        I’d wager you wouldn’t dare to wander into a pub,
        today wearing burka.And ask for some beer and pork
        scratchings…Oh and then burp!

        • Donafugata

          That reminds me, German wine is so awful that I would probably have to take to beer if I lived there.

          After a trip to Germany or Austria I always find I’ve lost a few pounds unlike Italy or France where there are far too many temptations.

          • Kitty MLB

            We lived in holland for a few years and close
            to where we lived there was a little cake shop
            that sold the most heavenly cakes,
            especially the little vanilla sponges soaked
            in gin with cream and lime. I’d used to
            go in the evenings on a cycle usually followed
            by a friendly cat.
            Very friendly cats in Holland and the Dutch are
            the friendliest people on earth, unless you tell
            them their language sounds like German and
            then their warm faces darken.

            • P.chi ki wan

              Gin(Genever) can be considered the national drink of Holland.I think i’m correct in saying it was introduced to England by William of Orange.My personal favourite is Bessen Genever,a blackcurrant flavoured version.

      • Rush_is_Right

        You’ve never tried Belgian ales? Their lagers, like everybody’s, are pretty much rubbish, but there can be no question to my mind (having drunk gallons of the stuff) that the craft beers of Belgium are the best in the world. I enjoy British real ales too but NOTHING is as good as a Duvel (which is made using two different British yeast strains).

        • Fergus Pickering

          I have drunk Belgian beer. Drinkable but not Ruddles with a packet of Salt and Vinegar crisps. Now that’s living. NBut perhaps the stuff you mention is better.

          • Hexhamgeezer

            Ruddles is a bit of a nomad of a beer. For an experience try a Belgian Gueuze – an acquired taste but an experience..

            • Fergus Pickering

              A nomad? Mine is well dg in in Whitstable and is £!.99 a pint, thanks to the excellent Peter Cushing bar they have there. .

              • P.chi ki wan

                I agree the Peter Cushing bar is nice but it’s a Wetherspoons! and has taken trade from some really good pubs in Whitstable.As a Man of Kent I mourn the demise of real Kentish bitter and the hop vines which once covered the countryside.

                • Fergus Pickering

                  Nice garden and a pound cheaper than anywhere else. Hail Witherspoon! AND there’s a coal fire in the winter.

                • Kitty MLB

                  There is a splendid huge coal fire in our local pub and big
                  red sofa’s. They also provide newspapers and a few books, people have been known to become quite cosy and full asleep
                  during the winter.

                • Fergus Pickering

                  What a splendid place, full of my relatives doubtless.

                • Kitty MLB

                  Indeed your prickly little relatives would be there too.

              • Hexhamgeezer

                Whitstable? A fine place. Not sure where Ruddles is now after being expelled from Rutland some tears back. My local ‘Spoons has some Ruddles on @ £1.95 tonight.

      • P.chi ki wan

        .German Kellerbier is fantastic,wooden cask conditioned ales of the highest order.

  • Kitty MLB

    What is all this, taking a pop at German..Oh well.
    Their cars are big, showy and loud not like my little English
    yellow classic car- named calypso.

    They’ll never be good at cricket that is very much a English sport
    and has for being smelly I have no idea.
    Englishmen smelly? they used to be in regency England with
    all those manly outdoor pursuits, shooting, hunting, riding etc
    and their sweaty smell was the reason why ladies swooned
    and not the tight corsets. But now that is obviously not the
    case…all English chaps I am sure shower endearing creatures.

    Its actually Frenchmen who smell of onions and vegetarians who
    smell of cabbage.

    • Fergus Pickering

      They smelled of garlic when I was young. Ah the Paris Metro! But now I’m sure they don’t..

      • Andy

        Was there a Paris Metro when you were young ? Surely not.

        • Fergus Pickering

          Horse-drawn, Andy, horse-drawn.

    • HookesLaw

      A VW ‘Up’ is big showy and loud?
      Back in the ’50s the best German car was a ‘bubble car’. The usual cr@p headed mob should consider how all that evolved into the 5 million car a year industy it is now compared to how ours slumped to nothing until it was rescued by foreign ownership.
      If German cars are big and loud then what is a Range Rover or a Rolls Royce?

      This has to be one of the most pathetic threads in a long history of Coffee House threads.

      • Kitty MLB

        I Believe its just meant to be lighthearted Hooky.
        In reality the Germans make the best engines in the world.

      • Augustus

        I agree with you last sentence. IMO the best German car in the 1950s was the Mercedes gull-wing 300SL. I saw a shiny red one for sale in a small showroom in Beverley,Yorks in 1973, while filling up, for £2,000. That would have been a good investment methinks (I often wonder what happened to that car).

  • P.chi ki wan

    Fox hunting for Fuchs sake

  • Donafugata

    German food is disgusting.

    • Kitty MLB

      German food can be quite stodgy but Scandinavian food
      is just very weird.Prefer mediterranean food myself as
      I think you might also 🙂

      • Donafugata

        How did you guess!

        Everything from anywhere on the Mediterranean.

    • P.chi ki wan

      Kaffee und Kucken

      • Donafugata

        Kaffee und Kucken?

        I guess coffee but is Kucken that disgusting brown, dry-as-a-bone cake that hey have at Christmas?

        • P.chi ki wan

          Kaffee und Kucken is the German version of English afternoon tea.Kucken just means cake,all cake

    • Moderator

      That is what most foreigners think of traditional English food…

    • rugby god

      Eisbein und sauerkraut. Stollen. food of the Walkuries!

      • P.chi ki wan

        Lecker

    • rightrightright

      German Knoedel are wonderful (that’s dumplings), but not as wonderful as English dumplings. Cold weather food, both.

      The spicy Lebkuchen biscuits you get at Christmas I also wouldn’t do without.

  • Hexhamgeezer

    Germans aren’t very good at single currencies.

    • telemachus

      Conkers
      The World Conker Championships are held in Ashton, Northamptonshire, on the second Sunday in October. Hundreds of people have competed from more than a dozen nations, using more than 2,000 conkers each year. Although competitors from Mexico and Germany have won in the past, the Conker Championships nearly always turn out a British winner. National pride is unlikely to be bruised at this event.

      • Kitty MLB

        Ah but wasp! I bet they cheat by leaving the conkers
        overnight in a bowl full of cola..or similar drink!

        • telemachus

          Back to the war again
          “THIS takes me back to the War years when, with my grannies’ help, I had great success in the conker season. Choose conkers with the most even shape, bore them through with a meat skewer, and then place overnight in the oven. In a modern oven cook them as you would meringues, leave in a warm place the following day and they are ready for battle. As this tactic was frowned upon, the conkers would have a quick polish before use to make them more shiny, and less obviously doctored.”

          • Colonel Mustard

            Well, you might have given David Wiltshire of Flackwell Heath, Bucks., some credit for his advice instead of usurping it.

            • telemachus

              You will know that .telemachus is not a great fan of emanations from the rich community of HP10 even if in relation to conkers the Queen attends their tree planting
              However the said author also has interesting insights including the exploits of Felix Cribb

              • Colonel Mustard

                You can have the last word. I also know that you need that.

                • telemachus

                  I feel so honoured that the only poster posting under a black socialist banner in this Parish so allows

                • Colonel Mustard

                  That’s ok. The banner is not complimentary to your quasi-religious cult of socialism though, however you choose to misrepresent it (as you do everything).

      • Inverted Meniscus

        And every single Conker involved has an IQ which exceeds yours by a factor of 10.

      • Fergus Pickering

        Thank you for that information, Tele. Sometimes you are almost human. Give up this socialist claptrap and rejoin the human race. You know it makes semse

  • Colonel Mustard

    They are not too hot at commenting on blogs either…

    • Kitty MLB

      The strong silent type maybe..the men too.

  • BarkingAtTreehuggers

    Ah yes, we get this – now give us twenty reasons why Bosnia is less crap than England.

    • Inverted Meniscus

      Well it doesn’t have you and your army of gibberish spouting socialist nutter sock puppets laddie.

      • Ian Walker

        One of the finest comments I’ve read all year, well done!

        • Inverted Meniscus

          Thanks Ian, it is infuriating how his sock puppets clog up these threads.

      • red2black

        Nineteen to go… (tee hee)

  • Patrick

    Actually German sausages are the wurst.

    • swatnan

      germans do wurst best

      • http://pislamonauseacentral.blogspot.com/ Gary Rumain

        I’ve had wurst.

  • HookesLaw

    I’ve just finished watching an appropriate TV programme…. ‘Pointless’

    I do not know about cricket – but Warranty Direct are a 3rd party warranty company and effectively they only warrant second hand cars. Engine and mechanical failures at that age depend on how a car is serviced not how it is designed or made.

    • Wessex Man

      oh dear, dear Hooky babe you don’t have to be serious all the time!

    • Smithersjones2013

      You will be singing the German national anthem next. You’re not a Merkel sleeper spy attempting to infiltrate and identify subversive Eurosceptic forces are you?

      • Fergus Pickering

        What IS the German National Anthem. I know what is was. But what is it now? The old one was kind of catchy.

        • red2black

          God Save The Queen?

          • Fergus Pickering

            Meaning the great Frau?

            • red2black

              Madge, silly. Saxe-Coburg and all that.

        • Donafugata

          The Horst Wessel Lied is a nice tune.

          • Fergus Pickering

            Yup but i am surprised to learn it’s still Deutschland Uber Alles, which is better. Thr direst Anthem I know is that Scotch one. Really crap. Lucky for them they won’t need it.

            • P.chi ki wan

              Lucky for them they know what Scotch is!

    • Colonel Mustard

      Why I am not surprised you do not know about cricket. And a supposed Conservative.

      • telemachus

        Glad you draw attention to Tory dirty cricketing tactics

        • Colonel Mustard

          “Glad you draw attention to Tory dirty cricketing tactics”

          I didn’t. But you have now managed to draw attention to Labour dirty online trolling tactics. Ad nauseum.

        • girondas2

          “Glad you draw attention to Tory dirty cricketing tactics”

          The Torees are bad, but no worse than Labour- they deserve each other.
          We ,however, do not deserve you telemachus, so why don’t you take your tiresome little posts elsewhere.You contribute nothing to these debates, you have no ideas or opinions of
          your own, you just mindlessly parrot the party line. Don’t you? If Ed Balls told you that the world was flat and held aloft by four dancing monkeys standing in bowls of rice pudding you would dutifully come here, the very next day, and report it as the indisputable truth.

          You are a bore, telemachus.

          • Kitty MLB

            The whole point of the telemachus existence here is to create mischief and get under peoples
            skin and he’s very happy when that has been
            achieved.Most here also play right into his
            buglike hands.

            I liked the four dancing monkeys standing in bowls of rice pudding. Placing jam in the rice pudding and making those monkeys Milipede,
            Cooper, Hunt and Harmen would be even better.

            I’d better go before you find me a bore also, although you might already find me excruciatingly boring and worse. But are too
            gentlemanly to say so. Such as life and all that.

            • girondas2

              You’re not a bore Kitty .
              I am a little disturbed though that you think of me as a balding old chap with dodgy teeth rather than see me as I truly am, a cross between Hugh Grant and that chap who did the wet shirt thing in Pride and Prejudice.

              • Kitty MLB

                Swap Hugh Grant for Cary Grant…and as for
                that watery thing, your just tormenting .As
                for the rest,I’ll go back to the other thread and
                reply to you there..

              • Kitty MLB

                I am being a bore now. I ‘ve offended this polite
                older gentleman (FI) please allow me to apologise before I leave blogosphere.

                No excuse but I lost a relative a few weeks ago
                so I am even more over the top then usual, but
                if I have been rude to you then I am mortified.

                And although an intelligent and jocular man like
                you, understands whimsical coquettishness I know others can take me seriously.

                I must go now and pack, I hope you can except
                my apologies, intelligent, interesting and amusing people like you and Fergus are a
                pleasure to speak with but if not that
                is your right and its been a pleasure making
                your acquaintance.

                • girondas2

                  Have a good trip.
                  I trust you will be back soon.

                • Kitty MLB

                  Thank you, we’ll be off tomorrow, like a modern
                  day Octavie Coudreau. Have packed, hat, water
                  purifying tablets, husband, hiking boots, net,
                  Earl Grey tea and the Life and Opinions of Tristram Shandy.

                  I will download Beethoven’s Pastoral Symphony
                  this evening to take with us and then that will
                  be that, I bid you farewell. Arrivederci.

                • girondas2

                  I remember, vividly, listening to the Pastoral in a wooded carpark high in the Massif Central many years ago. Rain like I had never seen before or have seen since. Noboby could get out of their car, people just waved to each other through sheets of water. All I had to comfort me was Beethoven, litres of cheap wine and a good women – I made do.
                  Enjoy Tristram Shandy.

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