Culture House Daily

We watched Eurovision – so you didn’t have to

11 May 2014

11 May 2014

I like Europe, even if this may not be the place to admit it, and I like this moment, when our brothers are forced to make fools of themselves in a language none bar the Irish can speak convincingly. Sauf les Français, obviously.

‘Ukraine will win. Europe has solidarity. You’ll see,’ says my European flatmate. But after the first batch of votes, it becomes clear that either Ukraine’s entry wasn’t very good, or Putin actually takes the competition seriously. Having missed both Maria Yaremchuk’s Tick-Tock and the inner machinations of the Kremlin’s ministry of culture, my guess is one or both of those things.

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Many horrors were committed in the process of the panels’ announcements. Azerbaijan begging approval from mother Russia. The Irish bestowing sympathy on our own woeful entrant (are we now just fleas on the corpse of the Celtic Tiger?) A man from Finland rapping for the first time since the heyday of the Bomfunk MCs. We wished they hadn’t.

Israel, which last time I checked, definitely isn’t in Europe, announced that ‘the competition has a long way to go!’ ‘No it doesn’t,’ Graham Norton muttered. (He really does do Wogan like Wogan, doesn’t he? I saw him buying a smoked salmon sarnie from a Pret near Waterloo station once. He looked almost as miserable then as he does now.)

Austria’s Conchita, the mustachioed type who got all the avant-concours attention, gets a lot of points. The Netherlands seem to be doing awfully well. They always do. Having missed their offering to go to the supermarket, I have no comment. And then, once the somewhat bitter Ukrainian vote comes in, it’s clear that Austria has won. Other than once having spent seven hours in a prison cell there (they did say sorry), I have no interest nor connection with Austria. I feel disenfranchised. But that’s just Europe, innit?

Whatever. I need a stiff drink. Goodnight, Vienna.

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Show comments
  • Маrcus Campbell

    i always liked kenny everett

  • Turdson Minor

    Oh dear, Mr Mugabe won’t like it.

  • Frank

    What is an “European flatmate”? Is s/he British, Irish, or are you trying to say that s/he is not from Ukraine, or Russia.

  • Bonkim

    Utter Rubbish and the bearded Lady is a freak.

    • Alexsandr

      not a lady. HE is a bloke.

      • Bonkim

        It (Drag Queen) is an abomination.

        • glurk

          Oh shut up and turn the light back on as you go out

          • Bonkim

            Gluck — Gluck

        • oldestel

          C’mon, you fancy him don’t you? You can admit it here, we’re broadminded.

          • Bonkim

            broad-minded creep I suppose – will leave this person to you.

  • Ron Todd

    A house covered with ivy has to be a seriously ugly house for the ivy to be an improvement. Likewise for beards and people.

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  • Retired Nurse

    Lest we forget, Israel fielded the drag artiste Dana International in Eurovision 2011.. hardly a controversial choice anymore…..

    • Bonkim

      Is israel in Europe?

      • Alexsandr

        its in eurovision. Its a broadcasting union and is used for sharing TV pictures, mostly news footage.

      • MaxSceptic


        But then, apart from Constantinople, neither is Turkey.

        As for the Stans……

        • Bonkim

          Istambul – Turkey has a little bit of Europe and it is in NATO but Israel is well into the Asian continent.

          • oldestel

            True, but Israel is a civilised western country.
            The bit of Turkey that is in Europe is just the remnants of a brutal empire.

            • Bonkim

              What makes you think so – The Jews have been historically a middle-eastern people not dissimilar to the Palestinians or Lebanese and if their own words are to be believed from that part of the world which have a historic claim on – Judea and Samaria included. The Bible itself and Christianity were alien to Europe until the second millennium when the Church of Rome managed to con the illiterate tribes of Europe – the vast majority of Christian believers today live in Asia, and Africa; Christianity is getting to be a spent force and the Turks were an eminently civilized and organised people and ventured across Asia and parts of Europe – their drive and motives no different from that of the European seafarers that established a bridgehead in the New world and in Asia/Africa in later centuries and subsequently founded Empires.

              Empire building takes more than brute force – as that by Britain, Portuguese, French, and the Dutch in later centuries. Brute force simply destroys – you need to take the people with you and manage events and resources efficiently to build an Empire.

  • Retired Nurse

    BOTH the Ukrainian and Russian Governments tried to get this drag artiste banned.. ..see, he’s a unifying force already …..

    • Bonkim

      Pity they failed – Drag Queen – an abomination.

      • oldestel

        Drag is one of the higher forms of wit – it just takes a sophisticated audience to appreciate it that’s all.

        • Bonkim

          perverted sense of art and humour I suppose.

          • oldestel

            No , nothing perverted about it.
            Are you some kind of god-botherer Bonkim?

            • Bonkim

              God? who is he or she?

              But perversion in nature is easy to recognize.

              • oldestel

                Really – How so?

  • NedMissingTeeth

    Now I know the world I live in is completely f*ucking mental.

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