Culture House Daily

Culture House comes out in support of Crimean secession (on flag design grounds)

2 March 2014

12:46 PM

2 March 2014

12:46 PM

With a grim global tit-for-tat looking increasingly likely, Crimean secession is no laughing matter. Still, we here at Culture House have slightly different priorities to the people of Ukraine. Slaves to line, form and colour, we have our thoughts locked onto the thrilling prospect of gaining a splendid new flag (see above).

Here are some more secessionist movements who, on design grounds alone, deserve to be granted a seat at the UN (or at the very least an internship at Wallpaper):

1. Nagorno-Karabakh (part of Azerbaijan)

Pac-man! Stop! You’re eating the flag of Armenia!

Flag of Nagorno-Kabarakh

2.  Sindhudesh (part of Pakistan) 

Oh, hey, axe-wielding people.


3. Zulia State (part of Venezuala)

Nothing says ‘I am the king of Zulia, God of sun and lightning, and I might eat your face’ than this cheeky, futuristic Aztec number

Flag of Zulia

4. Hawaii

You didn’t know that Paul Smith was CEO of Hawaii?


Flag of Hawaii

5. Assyria (part of Syria)

I’m assuming acid will be compulsory here.


6. Sápmi (part of Sweden, Norway and Finland)

Bloody Scandis and their effortless good taste and sense of proportion.


7. Corsica

Clever. No one could refuse the young Marlon Brando a new state, so just stick him on your flag, looking pouty and funky.



8. Meghalaya (part of India)

Oh God! My eyes!


9. Vermont

I mean, are they so cheap in Vermont they just let the schoolchildren do the stars?


10. Bangsamoro Land (part of the Philippines)

Come on now. Who scribbled on the star and crescent? (Hey, fun sword!)


11. Rodrigues Island (part of Mauritius)

Fish. Check. Bird. Check. Maize. Check. Oyster. Check. Flower…. Flower? Check. Let’s have another bird. Colours? All of them? Why not. Guys, we have a mess! I mean a flag!


12. Caprivi (part of Namibia)

Awwwww. The only flag to come with its own sick bag.


Subscribe to The Spectator today for a quality of argument not found in any other publication. Get more Spectator for less – just £12 for 12 issues.

Show comments
  • formonitoring

    Samis arent Scandis. theyre an asian people.

  • Noa

    Time the EU replaced the woman who would be queen, Baroness Ashton as its High plenipoteniary with the triple whammy of Gok Wan and Graham Norton and Stephen Fry, so ensuring colour harmony , conversation and omnipotence under the Quean’s peace.

  • Jez

    Baroness Ashton to Putin:

    “Here’s the new Government of the Ukraine, the 30 million Russians in her borders have no say whatsoever in the new regime……….. oh, and here’s your new flags!”


    Joking aside, any new flag could have emphasis on the Crimes being physically separate from the Ukraine.

    It’s the Tartars that should be designing the flag….. unfortunately almost eliminated as a people through the extremism of Marxist ideology.