Down-turn Abbey, the movie

2 January 2013

1:30 PM

2 January 2013

1:30 PM

A brief flurry of excitement in Guardian-land over the festive period as the news trickles out about who might be cast in Dreamworks’ silver-screen adaptation of the paper’s turbulent love-in with Julian Assange and subsequent fall out with the Wikileaks chief.

Benedict Cumberbatch will play the reclusive protagonist, but enter stage (liberal) left Dan Stevens, who was last seen with blood pouring out of his ear on Christmas Day after being clumsily written out of Downton Abbey. Last week’s Mail on Sunday reports that he is now in talks to play Guardian deputy editor Ian Katz. Being played by such a high profile star would surely do wonders for Katz’s on-going quest for the top job at the paper.


Playing Cousin Matthew in Julian Fellow’s mysteriously successful ITV drama, Stevens’ character and his chequebook were the saviour of the mythical pile. Sadly for the Guardian it will take more than the death of distant relative to save Kings Place from financial woe.

The news has not be greeted with universal excitement, especially amongst the ladies. Katharine Viner, a fellow deputy editor of paper, took to Twitter to decry the ‘men-only affair’ when asked who would be playing her. Guardian contributor Julie Bindel chimed in that the soundtrack ‘will feature men with balls that clank as they walk in the room.’ It’s understood that no one from the paper will be personally benefiting from the Hollywood dosh though.

Mr Steerpike hears that the as yet uncast role of Nick Davies will feature heavily in the motion picture which is set to begin filming this year. No word yet on who will play whispering editor Alan Rusbridger, but Harry Potter star Daniel Radcliffe has to be worth a flutter.

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Show comments
  • rndtechnologies786

    Good blog.

  • sarah

    Who will play John “I wouldn’t mind being raped by Asssange” Pilger and George “it’s only rape lite, not rape rape” Galloway and the Ecuadorian “it doesn’t count as rape in Ecuador” Ambassador?

  • Owen Bennett jones

    Who will play the part of financial analyst genius, Owen Bennet jJnes, the 12 year old who does not know the differenece between income and assets?

    • Wessex Man

      Vince Cable!

  • Smith

    Perhaps they can persuade Equador to appoint a Lady-Bassador.

  • dc96

    I wonder who will play the Afghans killed for providing information to ISAF who Assange revealed.

    • Peter Martin

      Walk off parts by Graun cousins from the BBC ME desk? They certainly could make it look realistic. Again.

    • Simon Morgan

      I must say I was a tad ambivalent about Assange and Wikileaks – I really couldn’t care less if the man rots in the embassy. But you have pointed out the danger this stupid creep really poses. There is talk that he is applying for a senate seat in our election next year (Australia) – and of course he will be aided in this by all the left-wing pinheads in the country (and we have plenty of ’em). All we can do is hope the Yanks get hold of him first.

  • The Lolnian

    “Guardian contributor Julie Bindel chimed in that the soundtrack ‘will feature men with balls that clank as they walk in the room.”

    In the Guardian offices? I doubt that.

    • Jim Hollett

      To work at The Gruniad a man would have to be a masochist, so the clanking is probably caused by their gimp outfits.

    • Adam Nixon

      Imagine the self-righteous fury in Grauniad Land if a man had made a similar remark about women and the boobs.