Blogs

I need your help

1 December 2012

3:48 PM

1 December 2012

3:48 PM

I am in southern Italy and there has been thunder and lightning pretty much continuously since Tuesday. I am quite scared of lightning. I need to buy some comestibles; especially wine and cigarettes. But the tiny apartment I have rented is connected to the outside world only by 72 metal steps affixed to the side of the mountain by metal scaffolding. The lightning is all about. Should I risk it? Would it help if I wore rubber-soled shoes for my dash to the shop? Or will I be forever fused to the rockface, like a sort of crap gargoyle? I turn to you for help, and succour.

Subscribe to The Spectator today for a quality of argument not found in any other publication. Get more Spectator for less – just £12 for 12 issues.


Show comments
  • rndtechnologies786

    Good.

  • David Ossitt

    Hello Rod, I mentioned your predicament over lunch this past Sunday, my daughter in law an American and an ex-GI suggested that you might well have been safe had you
    not only worn rubber soles on your feet but also rubber kitchen gloves so that
    you could safely grasp the hand rail.

  • Lungfish

    To conform to harmonised European standards you must wear rubber soles with at least 1 Megohm resistance- do not touch any extraneous metal parts.

  • The Shambolic Skeptic

    make a rope out of your beds heets and go out a window!

  • Nele Schindler

    Where are you Rod, did you get fried???

  • barbie

    Go for your ciggy’s if you must, but make your will before you leave!!

  • C Cole

    Assuming you haven’t been toasted into something with the consistency of a pop tart or one of those McDonald’s apple pies, would you care to give us your views on this story, Rod?

    http://www.telegraph.co.uk/news/worldnews/europe/netherlands/9719247/Amsterdam-to-create-scum-villages.html

    The only addition I would make would be to film the inhabitants of said villages for prime-time broadcast on Channel 4.
    You don’t really expect this sort of thing from the Dutch, but fair play to them for giving Mr Wilders a hearing.

  • Alexius

    Go out and bare your breast to it like Cassius!

  • Shakassoc

    Perhaps you should forget the fags and booze and instead try breakfasting on coffee and apples.

    • Hexhamgeezer

      Spectator Post of the Month

      • puss-in-plimsolls

        Poor old Rod. All he wants is some bacon and egg, with field mushrooms if available and fresh bread, perhaps with a little saganaki before lunch. And some cigs. And some wine.

        Only horses eat apples for breakfast. Or should.

        • Hexhamgeezer

          Makes them fart if they’re fermenting – allegedly

  • Baron

    Monday @ 17.05, the latest on Rod: which is the most probable explanation of the prolonged silence? He got fried by Him, drowned himself in cheap Italian plonk, went completely loopy for the lack of nicotine, went local, no longer speaks English, learnt The Duchess is pregnant, went into hiding.

    Baron reckons the Duchess link is by far the most probable explanation of the loss of communication.

  • Barry

    You could be a lightning rod.

  • Noa

    It’s been over 24 hours and you haven’t posted since Rod. Did the wife make it there and back?

  • CraigStrachan

    Well, you could always treat this as your chance to quit the fags and booze.

  • Bluesman

    Do it Rod! The Cause needs Martyrs!

  • Kathleen Buttigieg

    Stop being a wimp Roddie and go and get your cigarettes, just don’t take shelter under a tree. Also your main concern, after constantly insulting us Southern Meds, wouldn’t be being struck by lightning, but you have no problem, in Southern Italy nobody knows who you are or speaks any English for that matter. Next time come to Malta. We are waiting for you.

  • Kathleen Buttigieg

    Stop being a wimp Roddie and go and get your cigarettes, just don’t take shelter under a tree. Also your main concern, after constantly insulting us Southern Meds, wouldn’t be being struck by lightning, but you have no problem, in Southern Italy nobody knows who you are or speaks any English for that matter. Next time come to Malta. We are waiting for you.

  • Jack Dawson

    Being very afraid doesn’t increase the risk. Just do it, but don’t run – you might slip on the metal stairs and break your neck. Many believe that it helps to pray, but you may find God’s will does not entirely tally with your own wishes. Good luck.

  • Jack Dawson

    Being very afraid doesn’t increase the risk. Just do it, but don’t run – you might slip on the metal stairs and break your neck. Many believe that it helps to pray, but you may find God’s will does not entirely tally with your own wishes. Good luck.

  • James R

    Go & get your wine & fags,Rod.Just remember to take a 1 iron [golf club] with you.Hold it aloft as you leave the apartment.Even God can’t hit a 1 iron.

  • James R

    Go & get your wine & fags,Rod.Just remember to take a 1 iron [golf club] with you.Hold it aloft as you leave the apartment.Even God can’t hit a 1 iron.

    • http://twitter.com/bizfirstmag Nick Peters

      I trust you’ll be sending a royalty cheque to Lee Trevino for that one?

  • puss-in-plimsolls

    Another thought, Rod: most lightning, as your photo illustration shows, is cloud-to-cloud. I understand that your poetic grotto is situated in a high rock, but it’s not actually in the clouds, is it?

  • puss-in-plimsolls

    Another thought, Rod: most lightning, as your photo illustration shows, is cloud-to-cloud. I understand that your poetic grotto is situated in a high rock, but it’s not actually in the clouds, is it?

  • puss-in-plimsolls

    ‘I am in Southern Italy….’ Show-off!

  • puss-in-plimsolls

    Rod, life is a vale of tears. Or a fail of fears. Or a trail of jeers. Or all three.

    What the hell do you want to live for???!

    • Baron

      What does Rod want to live for? A redundant question that, my blogging friend.

      To read your wittily charming postings, look at your young, angelic face, the sexy red lips, to harbour the hope of one day meeting you….

      Listen, puss, tell us why is it you went for a picture of your face to compliment the name, isn’t there an equally beautiful wedge of your body that would have done the job equally well, if not better?

      • puss-in-plimsolls

        Baron, my blogging friend: Mmmwwwaahhhh! :^o

  • William Reid Boyd

    If you were to take wholesome hikes in the mountains instead of holing up in poncy hideaways in places like Italy writing so-called books, you would be accustomed to having electric storms zinging around you just few feet away from you. Very character forming and as frightening as hell. I always used used to turn round and make for shelter.

    Pretty sure I wouldn’t trust a metal ladder though. Bugger the muse, I would go without ciggies and wine until the weather got better.

    • puss-in-plimsolls

      Cowering under a sheet of plastic in the woods was always exciting. Especially as my boyfriend was there. Yum!

    • Baron

      William, William, what are you talking about, going without the two essentials is not unlike going without living, and not only for the gifted, handsome if abit of a chicken Rod.

    • Baron

      William, William, what are you talking about, going without the two essentials is not unlike going without living, and not only for the gifted, handsome if abit of a chicken Rod.

  • Hexhamgeezer

    A pair of DMs should do you proud.

    • puss-in-plimsolls

      A pair of *what*?

      • Hexhamgeezer

        Doctor (Doc) Martins – industrial strength footwear with patented soles that would save young Rodney from electrocution, heat and acid attacks.

        • puss-in-plimsolls

          Ah, right. Doc Martin is the chap that lives in Port Isaac. I should have remembered that he makes shoes as well!

  • John21Allen

    No, don’t risk it Rod. If you die, where will we go for our daily bile?

  • wanderer

    Dear Rod – you just don’t want to create a circuit. As long as you hop and only use one hand on the railings you’ll be just fine. I suppose this means you didn’t unplug that modem, though?

  • gladiolys

    What would be the difference if you were struck by lightning? I thought you were already a gargoyle (I’m not sure if gargoyles can be crap… wouldn’t a crap one be kind of cuddly, which I would not say of you?)

  • Austin Barry

    Stay home and send the lady out.

    • puss-in-plimsolls

      Wicked laugh! :^o

  • Terry

    Rod,

    Just be a man and do it. Nothing will happen to you.

    Terry

    ps If I’m wrong and you die, can I have your gig at the Spectator?

    • puss-in-plimsolls

      No, you can’t! It’s mine!

  • Mark

    Sounds like a good time to quit!

    • puss-in-plimsolls

      Rubbish! The only good time to quit el vino is after you’re dead!

      • CraigStrachan

        He gets struck by lightning, he might be dead. Such is his dilemma.

        • puss-in-plimsolls

          Without vino, is life really worth living? Yes, but not quite so much!

  • Terry

    Rod,
    Just be a man and do it. Nothing will happen to you.

    Terry

    PS If I’m wrong and you die, can I have your gig at the Spectator?

    • Terry

      Why did we post twice?
      I dunno – it’s your fault not mine

      • puss-in-plimsolls

        You’re just going through the Terryble Twos.

        • Terry

          Maybe – it keeps happening.
          By the way you can have Rod’s gig if he has indeed demised. let’s face it, I lost all street cred when I failed to get his brilliant “OMG Barcelona” gag. Use it wisely.

          • puss-in-plimsolls

            I failed to get it, too! So that lets both of us out, then! : )

  • Ned

    Die Liddle DIE!. I love you.

    • Baron

      there are times one has to make up one’s mind, Ned. Have the courage of your convictions, go for one or the other unless, of course, you want to rival the best of British necrophilia, one Sir Jimmy.

    • Baron

      there are times one has to make up one’s mind, Ned. Have the courage of your convictions, go for one or the other unless, of course, you want to rival the best of British necrophilia, one Sir Jimmy.

  • Baron

    Didn’t you do something in statistics, probabilities and stuff? It was all wasted on you, it seems, ask for your money back. It’s by far more likely that what will dispatch you to where He resides is weed and booze, or even astraphobia itself rather than a high doze of electrostatic lightning hitting an obscure metallic staircase whilst you’re traversing it.

  • Daniel Maris

    Drink two bottles of red wine before departing the house. This is unlikely to reduce the risk of being hit by lightning but it will reduce your level of fear.

    • puss-in-plimsolls

      While upping his likelihood of falling off the cliff!

    • Ron Todd

      If he had two bottles of ed wine he would not need to leave the house.

      • puss-in-plimsolls

        They’d have to be jeraboams!

  • Thick as two Plancks

    Go out wearing a suit of armour. It will act as a Faraday cage, and the lightning will pass harmlessly around you.

    As a cheaper alternative, waterlogged clothing fully wrapped round you might work.

    • monty

      waterlogged clothing fully wrapped round you might work.

      Don’t forget to dip the said clothing in salty water first. That works like a charm.

  • David Icke

    Well I got struck by lightning and it never did me any harm.

    Just ask a lizard for goodness sake! A big one. Lizards all speak English so you won’t have to worry about the Italian.
    Don’t ask an Italian. They’ll all Jews.

    • Baron

      David, if you have a minute tell us who was it that told you your being struck by lightning did you no lasting harm? Or, did you self diagnose?

    • Baron

      David, if you have a minute tell us who was it that told you your being struck by lightning did you no lasting harm? Or, did you self diagnose?

  • DougS

    One of my favourite expressions is….”you’ve got more chance of being struck by lightning” – meaning virtually no chance whatever.

    However, it’s never been put properly to the test. I sense an opportunity here.

    Rod; wear a pointed tin foil hat and nip out for the shopping. What happens to you will give me a baseline for my idea of what constitutes a ‘slim’ to ‘no’ chance!

  • MaxSceptic

    Are you – as our feline-loving American friends have it – some kind of pussy?

    Make sure someone is on hand with a camera: if you fry, I’m sure the Speccie will publish before and after photos and a nice obit.

  • OldSlaughter

    Order in and tip according to risk.

  • biggestaspidistra

    I wouldn’t Rod. Stay home, unless that’s metal, and think of it as a test, like St Simeon up a pole. And if you do decide to go out don’t take an umbrella.

  • AndyB

    Order a pizza and ask them to bring you the real essentials as well – in exchange for a reasonable gratuity (offer to pay in a hard currency, like sterling?)

Close
Can't find your Web ID? Click here