Coffee House

Nadine Dorries prepares for burial

12 November 2012

10:20 AM

12 November 2012

10:20 AM

Nadine Dorries sidled back into view last night on ‘I’m Celebrity … Get Me Out Of Here.’ The show is a parody of transportation. A gang of well-known show-offs are rounded up and removed to Australia where they endure privation and meagre living. They wear prison uniforms with serial numbers stencilled on the back. Phones and other luxuries are banned. So are script-writers. Everyone is wired for sound and the producers are desperate to broadcast anything approaching a witticism.

‘Slike a bleedin Bon movie, I’m tellin you,’ said Brian Conley as the contestants were ferried by helicopter into the bush.

Their corner of the Outback looked like a Hampstead Heath beauty spot prepared for a hippy wedding. Pretty lanterns burned brightly around a well-swept clearing. A canopy of trees provided shelter and a sense of comfort. ‘This is so nice,’ gushed Hugo Taylor, an effeminate toff recruited to annoy Nadine. ‘It’s so nice here!’ The celebrities dined on ‘wallaby shank’ which Conley described as a ‘gastronomic orgasm’. They passed the night in thick waterproof sleeping bags. It was obvious even to viewers at home that Ant and Dec’s TV studio, with its droves technical staff, lies about fifty yards from where the celebs are ‘stranded.’ The jungle is a television set.


To make their captivity watchable, the exiles are obliged to perform humiliating tasks. Nadine’s group was asked to nominate a candidate for an ordeal and she volunteered Hugo by praising his courage. A neat move. Nadine is a clearly a veteran of committee-room politics. Hugo had to place his ungloved hands into caskets teeming with bugs, rats and lizards. Later he took his revenge. Nadine and Co were asked to scull a boat across a creek. ‘I don’t know a huge amount about rowing,’ she said, taking charge, ‘but I do know that the oars need to go into the water at the same time.’ In the cox’s position, she steered the vessel in forlorn circles for a bit. Then it sank. Eric Bristow, a former darts champion, clambered from the lily-strewn water and shook himself off like a drenched spaniel. ‘Underneaf there was just like all swampy stuff,’ he said.

After he’d dried out, he told Nadine he never voted. ‘Why not?’ she asked. ‘You’re all liars.’ Hugo retreated to the diary room where contestants are encouraged to weep, bitch, curse and assassinate their rivals. He did all four. ‘I try not to be too judgmental but if Nadine was my member of parliament I’d expect her to be at work.’

Nadine doesn’t shine. She hasn’t grasped the show’s essence: ‘I’m A Celebrity … Get Me In Shot’. Good contestants throw tantrums, pick fights and make a spectacle of themselves. Nadine is withdrawn, calculating and watchful. A single image summed up her performance. She sat staring listlessly into a half-eaten platter of grey rice and said she didn’t want to eat anything. No one was near her.

Last night’s star was Helen Flanagan, a busty young actress with lovely eyes and verbal diarrhea, who had a crowd-pleasing panic attack while crossing a bridge in a climbing harness. Later, she claimed to have been bitten in the face by a rat. She’ll probably win.

The show built towards its climactic ordeal – Bug Burial – which involves the incarceration of a celebrity in a coffin full of spiders. The victim was to be selected by telephone plebiscite. Nadine came top of the poll. She received the news as dawn broke over their picnic area. ‘That’s OK. I kind of expected it,’ she said. Her handsome, pleasant and faintly obdurate features revealed nothing. ‘Bug Burial,’ she murmured, ‘what does that mean?’ No one answered her. One team member leapt up and gave her a consoling hug. It was Hugo.

She’ll be buried tonight.

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Show comments
  • Coffeehousewall

    Surely everyone in the world knows how IACGMOOH works? Do we need it so laboriously explained. I think we are well aware that the ‘celebrities’ have not really been stranded in the Australian outback. We are not yet as stupid as most of the contestants. Will you be running a series of blogs explaining programmes that we all know very well?

    Just sayin’

  • Kevin

    The advice seems to be that Nadine should have thought this through better. On the one hand, she was right to think that “getting stuck on a zip wire” makes one prime ministerial material, but on the other hand she is destined to fail unless she fully embraces asininity.

    I suppose we can forget about a political solution to the economic crisis for at least another year.

  • barbie

    She must be stupid if she thought it was going to be a walk in the park. Got more guts than me I hate crawly things and to be buried…… well brave or what? Pity she’s left her constituants to themselves for a month, she could have fought for them as well if she had been here. Will she survive the Tory rant when she returns?

    • Blingo

      I think you hope – will survive the Tory runt(s) when she returns?

  • Baroness Helena Bucket

    Stop writing about this please. She is best ignored.

  • William Blakes Ghost

    Well that’s one buried. Six Hundred and fourty nine more to go…..

  • Olaf

    Do they have to dig her up again?

  • James Strong

    Why do you watch this rubbish?
    I have mixed feelings about Nadine; she’s a comely wench and independent-minded, probably fun for a short time. Unfortunately she’s prone to idiotic decisions, like going on this rubbish show.

    • Sarah

      Did you mean to just call a woman, a comely wench?

  • Rhoda Klapp

    Freedom of the Press to run this kind of story is under threat. Or, to put it another way, is protection of this what Fraser means by his recent posts.

    I am reminded of what Sir Thomas Beecham said to the lady cellist.

  • perdix

    So the Speccie wants to give Mad Nad more publicity….. The Speccie goes downmarket….

  • 1965doc

    “Well known show offs”? I’ve never heard of most of them.

  • Mirtha Tidville

    I do hope that the speccie isnt going to give us a blow by blow account of this ghastly and dreary show……As for Dorries even Farage would give her a wide berth now

    • 1965doc

      She was right about the posh boys, though.

  • Ian Walker

    I think journalists and fellow MPs should be careful how many knives they stick into Nadine before they know the outcome. The Great British Public might not like Tory MPs in general, but if they perceive she’s being bullied by the Westminster village, they’ll soon rally behind her. And then they’ll have the problem of dealing with an MP with Boris-like popular support, and a nice back catalog of bitching missives like this one.

    • HooksLaw

      You are suggesting that the audience of ‘IACGMOOH’ is perceptive? If they possessed the least ounce of that quality they would be either down the pub or watching ‘Dave’

  • Vulture

    I’d enjoy seeing the BBC Trust headed by Fat Pang going into the jungle to be devoured by hungry rats ( they’d take quite a time to pick him clean) ..with no rescue helicopter to get them out again.

    • Bruce, UK

      For shame, rats have feelings too.

      • dalai guevara

        Some folks on here watch too much trash telli – I recommend to go and watch Ratatouille on a big screen instead, that might balance the views again.

  • pilsden

    I’m beginning to see some merit in this ;can we apply it to all MP’s on say a weekly basis with an online vote.?